I admit I'm beginning to wonder if there a readership for this blog. The truth is no one likes to feel as if they are writing solely to and for themselves. That was never the reason for this blog. The truth is in many area of my life right now I feel uninspired. Several months ago, before mom's latest battle with cancer I had a whole list of topics to cover on this blog, and now it seems I'm grasping at straws. I'm ready for a change in life, and yet I cannot seem to pinpoint the kind of change I'm seeking. I have always hated change, because of the chaos it involves. I hate messy, and I love routine, but lately it feels as though my safe routine is closing in on me.Usually if God wants me to move, in life or make a change in direction, He pretty much has to shake me to the point of misery to get me to leave a phase of my life beyond. I keep considering How will I know Lord, when you want me to move? but all I hear is silence. I often stay where I am, because it is safe, and I don't have to be tempted by fear, because most the time I'm pretty comfortable. I'm not a dare devil by nature, all my life up to this post, has been driven by a desire for security. Today, my devotion was about asking God to forgive you for all the ways you are motivated by fear, and in all honesty it confused the heck out of me. Why? Well let me put it this way, there are times I feel and think my fears are justified. Sure Jesus said don't be fearful 365 times, but I never thought it was sinful to be afraid, and if it is well, I've sinned a whole lot more than I ever knew.
In realty though most of my fears are motivated by two key factors. Pride and distrust. For example, I have been invited by two well known ladies Bible study groups here in town to participate in their bibles studies, one of which, I was prepared to go to, and then with mom's diagnosis, it needed to be postponed. Now I'm having reservations about being involved in the future, and It has made me timid about reading the bible. I fear that I'm not intellectuality smart enough to keep or complete the task. Every since I was little I never wanted to try things that I was not sure I could excel. Looking back, in middle school I wish I had gotten involved with debate time in middle school, but I had no assurance that I could excel at debate and my school work, so I never inquired about debate or the school newspaper. I can't help, but wonder if God is not giving me another chance here, and if somehow he would not just as honored through our attempting something, and perhaps even failing at something, if means teaching us something. I guess I have more things to sort through, before I seek the answers to some of these questions. I usually try to some closure by the end of my post, but instead, I'll leave this question. What is more important to God, the journey or the success?
