He Fights For You and Me!

Image found here

The image you see is a paraphrase of Exodus 14:14.  Last night, a friend text me the verse and in truth it could not have come at a more needed time!  My mom was violently    sick from Tues to Thurs from chemo, I got the crud on Tues, my regular caregiver was on a needed vacation, and by last bight I was coming unglued.  The truth is I have given my mom's heath to the Lord on a regular basis, but I've not prayed so much about my own personal care, which with having cerebral Palsy does involve a lot.  I battle shame constantly about other people having to clean up after me.  The feelings of humiliation are at times nearly unspeakable as adult.   I keep thinking that one day I will get use to it, and while it is easier at times, I never get use to it.  I thought this morning Jesus our Savior knows what humiliation looks like.  He knows what it feels like!  He tasted it as He hung on the cross!  He did nothing to warrant such agony.  He endured it out of faith, trusting The Father to bring his plan to pass!   Sometimes we don't know all the reasons God allows things to happen in our lives, but He has promised to fight on our behalf, the problem often comes when we are too prideful to admit we need him!  I cannot change my situation, but I can humble myself and admit I need God!  Admit I need him to change my perspective, I need him to strengthen, me and fill me, up! You need the Lord to fight your battles too, you may think the battles are small enough to face on your own, but like me you will discover you can't.  But when relying upon Christ we realize our battle has already been won!  We know that we have been given a Conquer Status!  The Lord will fight for us, as He did for  Israel, the bigger question is will we chose the path of faith, and rest in him, until we see the results of victory?  I'll pray for you and you pray for me, as we rest in the One who fought the ultimate battle for us!

A brief look into my heart! Yes Lord you are!

This post was written over a two day period after church yesterday!

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                    Can I share something with you some things I'm learning about the character of God!  As I sip on my smoothie, I am in awe of God in so many ways!  I must begin by admitting that I'm a girly girl!  I love make up, and dress up!  I'm tender and yet strong, when I need to be.  At my very core, I'm an idealist.  I love happily ever after!  So now, you are thinking to yourself, I thought you said your were going to talk about the nature, of God, well I am, but hold on a minute.  I finally admitted several years ago to God and others that my desire was to be a wife and a mom.  I know it  is rather 1950ish, see above!    I know that the life of a wife and mom is not glamorous or applauded.  Still my heart is where it is.  When I was much older, I would day dream about how I would love my husband and children, but when people would ask me, I'd say no I don't want kids,  deep DOWN knowing I wanted children more than air!   Marriage and children are hard and no piece of cake, if it were easy there would not be high divorce rates, and staggering abortion rates.  I know all the practical reasons I should not expect to be married and have children,       When you work with a pregnancy Center and have these desires, it is both rewarding and hard at the same time, yet I need to know that I'm aiding someone in becoming a mommy!  It is often hard me to not want to "mother" other peoples children.  When I was little, and even as a teenager, I would become very mother-some to my brother until I understood he only needed one mom!    The Lord showed me today that this desire I have, though not a bad one is hindering me from worshiping the Lord, and loving as He is Worthy!  He is good and he is right!    For some time now I have sensed the Lord asking me?  T.J.  Do you believe I'm enough for you?  I''ve been pretending I did not hear him. Then today, I could not run any more.  I did not want to answer, because to be honest, if I say yes then, my life needs to match such a declaration and if I say no then I'm I a hypocrite.  So I told the Lord I want to trust He is enough, not just as my Savior, but as my Father, as my Comforter Friend, and Almighty God!  My main purpose is not to be a writer mom, wife, Daughter,  it is to be a Worshiper of the King of Kings, I am to live for his glory, his honor his fame, not mine.  Now all the titles I listed above are means through which we can offer our Worship to the Lord, but often what we/ I tend worship is our dreams, our titles, our wants, instead of the Lord who alone is worthy of WORSHIP.  It's funny, but about a month or more ago, I asked the Lord to make me deeply aware of his Love and Fatherhood to me  as his child and He shown himself to be true.  I asked him to bring healing to my Mom's life, and he has!  Have I always gotten what I wanted when I wanted it, no  praise God!  Over and over again, in the Bible and in my life, God has shown Himself to be sufficient in all things!   Will I still have questions, that go unanswered, you bet, will I still long for things yes, but my dreams are on the altar of God, and there is no better place for these to be!  Whether our earthly dreams come true, or not, God has been enough, and He is enough, and even on the days when we struggle to believe He is enough, he still is!  So what desire is God directing you to continually or currently place upon his altar as a sincere expression of worship? Food for thought!   

invisible Illness Week Don't miss this post please

Hi Blogger:

   You will see a sticky note on the far side of my blog that will let you know that tomorrow begins invisible illness week.  Over the last few years,  God has placed many people/friends i n my life who are dealing with Chronic illnesses or chronic pain.  Let me be clear here, I don't have an invisible illness.  I would even go so far as to say that I don't consider myself as having a visible illness either.  Maybe this is because of the conflicting messages I've gotten from society over the years.  So you may ask, why am I supporting this effort?  The answer is simple her name is Sandra Rose, no she probably does not even know there is such a thing as invisible illness week, I also have other friends like Brittany and Julie who also live daily with Chronic Illness.  These are three of the most Godly women I know.  So what is an invisible illness, Invisible doesn't mean non-existing, in fact, anyone living with pain day and night knows all too well just how real invisible illness is.  My friend Sandra has to use a Tens unit regularly just in attempt to get some relief, and be able to function from constant nerve pain, and yet outwardly some days you likely would not "see" it, but if you listen, you'll hear it.  You'll hear it as she gasps for breath, because the pain is so strong her lips cannot form words.  You will hear at times, in the physical weariness of her voice.  She has tried ever treament under the sun for 9 years.  While you may not see it in the form of crutches, you will see it in the form of a tear now and then, but you know what you will see even more clearly even in her pain, you will see her strength, her faith, and her compassion.  A chronic illness invisible or other wise is any contdition that has impact on your life, and in most cases, will either remain the same or worsen.  Maybe diabetes or cancer, in the case of cancer it often falls under terminal which most chronic It maybe depression, it is any condtion where the signs may not be phyiscally seen illnesses are Chron's Fibromagilya etc.and thounsands of others.  I do have one of the illness I mentioned, now that I think of it, but lets put that aside for now.  Lisa Copen is the founder of http://www.restminstries.com/ and http://www.invisibleillness.com/ It is a christian ministry that supports people worldwide with Chronic condtions and chronic illnesses please go to both sites to find out more or get support for you or a family member or friend.  Now don't hear me saying I'm not involved in this ministry, because I am/  I'm going to fill out the survey, because whether CP is an illness condition, or other and visible or invisible, I have dealt with chronic pain in years past and I can relate in both seen and unseen ways.  What connects people is not what category they fall into, but the fact that others can share in their life journey, and as Christians there is always common ground and unity in Christ!  Because I myself in my case, am uncomfortable with the word illness. I will use condition.
The condition I live with the is  Cerebral Palsy(CP Urinary issues, depression, anxiety/
2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: Soon after I was born.  I will only address CP here, not the others/

3. But I had symptoms since: 1983
4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: adulthood with CP/
5. Most people assume: I like the attention, but I'd trade it in a minute

6. The hardest part about mornings are: bathing

7. My favorite medical TV show is: None

8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: my My Bed, lift, Van and Chair

9. The hardest part about nights are: Not being able to work late at night, even those it is my best time for creative writing.

10. Regularly I take 3__ pills & vitamins. (No comments, please):

11. Regarding alternative treatments I am very conflicted about cures.

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: Physical over emotional but visible and invisible I believe would be just as hard

13. Regarding working and career: Again my situation conflicts me @ times.

14. People would be surprised to know: My emotional struggles far outweigh my physical ones
15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: letting go of denial

16. Something I never thought I could do with my condition that I did was: serve pregnant women

17. The commercials about my condition make me uneasy

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: I've always CP, but I miss having my own family

19. It was really hard to have to give up: the idea of what I thought my life would be.

20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: blogging

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal  I would: walk the beach, and play with the dog
22. My condition  has taught me: God can use anyone, and that everyone wants to be loved

23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: that I'm not special I'm just like everyone else.

24. But I love it when people: say “God has a plan for you.

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: “ God will fulfill his plans for me!

26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell their family there is hope in all situations with Christ!

27. Something that has surprised me about living with this is: adulthood is way harder than childhood was

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: Listened to me
29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: I want to open people's eyes, and comfort hurting people.

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: proud and hopeful/ Thank you for your support!
    Now

More of My Story... In pieces-

Someone on a chronic illness website is helping me write my story, for a Writer’s Therapy Group, and I wanted to share it with people I know first. He will edit, he is an author and has a BA in Journalism Thanks! He asked the questions I only wrote this as responses!














Sorry for any overlap from Part 1...  I had not planned on posting this, but it seemed fitting to make this part of the series.  You can find Part 1 Here



Background: I was born 2 months premature. And as far as we know this is what resulted in the lack of oxygen to my brain, which is the main cause of my Cerebral Palsy, I was also born breech. The left side of my body is weaker than the right. My left arm and draws up, and it takes much concentration to move it as it has mind of its own and moves some what uncountable hand. I use my right hand for everything, from holding the phone, to typing to driving my chair.

I have had 5 CP related surgeries. I missed both my 5th and 9th grade years due to 2 different hip surgeries to rebuild the hip socket in each hip, because it was bone against, I spent months in constant pain both times. After both surgeries, I spent 3 to 4 months in a full body cast with a long bar between my legs. The cast time was not so bad, because I could stay in one position, and not have to move, because before the surgery any movement of the lower half of my body would case me pain. The surgeries took away my hip, pain but the doctor said I would lose mobility and I did I hated physical Therapy. My bones became brittle and I had a few fractures. The first hip surgery I was bitter during my recovery period, but the second hip surgery, I was four years older a freshman in high school and prayed a lot, and drew closer to God during that time, and began to learn from 2 Cor 12:9 that God’s grace was sufficient for me!

I was mainstreamed into regular education classes except for Math, as I was always slower with numbers, but my reading comprehension and verbal skills are high. I am an outgoing person so I was mot really shy about interacting with students, but I never allowed relationships socially to interfere with my studies. I always had an aid with me because, I cannot scribe or write, because while I know what each letter looks like, because of CP, I did not have the motor skills to shape the letters with a pen, in other words there is a disconnect, between my brain and my muscles.

Here is a list of things I am unable to do: Cerebral affects each person in different ways, just because it affects one person one way, it does not mean it will have the same impact on another. Sometimes people with CP can be impacted cognitively, but I was, not though I often wondered if my struggles with math and my lack of directional sense are somehow connected to having Cerebral Palsy People are often quick to assume that people with CP are mentally challenged, and to be frank, when people have had that reaction many times, it started causing me to wonder if there was something wrong with me, so I made it my life mission to prove to myself and others that I’m mentally okay. I have to have someone, bathe, dress, and clean up after me every day. The issues I deal with are guilt, that others are left with the responsibility of taking care of my personal needs, and always trying to overcompensate in intellect and effort for the things I’m unable to do physically until a few years ago, my goal was “to be just like everyone else, and never allow myself be defined by CP and rarely took my limitations into account. The only time CP makes me sad is when it keeps me from enjoying deeper relationships. I have always wanted to take a walk on the beach, and I wondered if my sibling and I could better relate to one another if I had not had CP. I felt bad that he had to grow up with a sister who takes time away from him that is rightfully his. I feel bad that my mom has one adult child who in a physical sense will always be dependent on someone.

I tend to compare myself to others both without CP and with CP. On a good day, I focus on the good things in my life like, my volunteer work, and how I have been blessed I am to have an impact on others through God’s grace. I try also to focus on those things that are eternal, rather than that which is temporal. I choose to focus on the fact that I am loved by family and friends, and that I serve God who is molding me with each passing moment to become like Christ! CP has taught me better how to love people who are hurting. It has also taught me that life is bigger than me, and life isn’t about my comfort or my wellbeing. It has taught to be patient, and always attempt to see the best in others.

On a not so good day, it can be tempting to think my life isn’t all that spectacular, when compared to my peers, I mean I don’t have a paying job, I live at home, I’m not married and have no children. The truth is outside of being an author and speaker, I really don’t have a desire to be employed, and though I am sure I would gain a greater sense of dignity, if I could support myself finically, I would choose purpose and fulfillment any day over money as long as my basic needs are met When I compare myself to others with CP, sometimes why there are some things they’ve accomplished which I haven’t rarely remembering that the types of limits each of us have are different It is hard for me to imagine a male being attracted to me or wanting to share his life with me, when he could have an able- bodied wife falling at his feet. I am not even sure that logistically or emotionally I could be a wife or mom in the truest sense of the word.

For the most part good days far outweigh the bad, as long as I rely on and seek Christ, as He gives me purpose and fulfillment. My greatest sense of fulfillment seems to come from inspiring and ministering to others through written or spoken word.

What would it take to realize I am special? It would take people telling me over and over that it is okay to be different. That CP isn’t my fault, that God made me this way for a higher purpose, until I could believe it!
 Note I will be reconsidering those last 2 sentences as the Lord is doing some serious work in my heart.  It is panful, which is why I haven't posted sooner, but I'm glad some people care enough to confront me when I'm not thiinking like Christ!

That's the Story of God's work in my life Part One

Hi Bloggers:

  ....   Everything is lovely right now on my end of things.  Please pray though that I will better follow through and make better use of the time God blesses me with in regards to spiritual life, and that God will show me how he desires for me to use the talents and skills he has entrusted to me. 
Over a moth ago, I interviewed for a non-profit volunteer postion here in my area, but some some services they offered went agaainst my convictions, so I declined, because it was not the right fit.  I then found out about a minstry I have followed for years has volunteer postions. https://www.thehopeline.com/ so I'm applying.  i am also still adjusting to my new chair.  Yes still.  
     My post on July 26th was about lessons in suffering, and I fully expect a part 2, but that will come another day.  Today, though I want to do something else....

I want to tell some of mny story....  2 people this week, have asked what my story is, and to be honest, most the time I doge the question like the plague, but today I'm going  to try to hit some highlights.   I don't avoid it, because it makes me uncomfortable, I avoid it, because I don't want to make others uncomfortable. One I was born in Daytona Beach FL, and though I only spent 3 years there, a part of my heart is, and will always be connected to my birthplace, maybe it is because it is a memory of safety, that I have since often searched for in days past.  I was born with Cerebral Palsy which is a neurological disorder, which in my case effects my fine motor function.  In the case of some people, it also effects cognitive reasoning skills, but the grace  of God that hasn't really been an issue for me, except with perhaps math and science, but there may or may not be a link to CP with that  Here's a bit more info on it if you would like  it   http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/cerebralpalsy.html 
Amway I have sent a big chunk of my life totally attempting to ignore my limitations or overcompensate for my shortcomings.  If I head one time growing one time growing up, your no different than anyone else I must have heard a million times in one form or another from a teacher or distant relative, and I believed and enjoyed it, and even tried to live up to such statements.  I have lots of happy childhood memories playing games with my younger brother Justin and my older counsin Bill.  My parents separated when I was three and divorced 12 years later.  When they separated we moved to TN to live  with my grandparents, where we live now.  My mom at the same time had surgery for ovarian cancer when my brother was 6 months I was three.  I was a challenge for my grandparents for 2 weeks while my had surgery in FL.  When I was 9 my dad promised to come up for my birthday weekend and also  told  me that "someday"  we would be a family again.  Neither of those events occurred, but one thing that has always given me hope and comfort even as a little girl was going to church and learning about God.  As I have told you before, I remember hearing the Gospel when I was 7, and I suppose you could say accepted in as much as one can at that age.  I had a few leg related surgeries by the time I was 9.  I missed my 5th grade school year, until the following year, because i was in a body cast because of surgery to build me a hip socket, I was not a good sport,  and my outlook at the time was horrible, the doctor said the surgery would cause me to loose mobility but would relieve my hip pain, it did both.  I had a hairline fracture in my femur bone, and ended up in a body cast for 3 additional months, I actually enjoyed some part of being in the cast because, thatmeant no movement, which also meant no physical pain and people drew pictures on my cast, my family also had fun, because they could climb all over me andI'd never feel anything.   I had a home bound teacher that year, I liked school from home a lot better, as I've always liked learning one on one.  After I recovered I took my 5 grade year over and made great friends, but when I went to middle school, I wanted to graduate with the class I began with before my surgery, so in other words, I took 5th grade twice, skipped 6th and went to seventh.  Seventh grade was hell in some ways,.  I think that is when some of my anxiety began.  I started seriously doubting my Salvation and felt very misunderstood as I guess most people do at that age.  It caused problems between my mom and I and I am sure on my brother.  I had a love hate relationship with school mostly hate.  I excelled in academics, but it was never enough for me, I kept hearing over and over "you are no different, whicvh in mind meant you'll never measure up.  You aren't special.  I had one aid who I felt was emotionally abusive, but in my way of thinking I was never to challenge athoritrty I also had one great teacher in 7th grade though, and I'm sure without I never could have made it.  As for my spiritual struggles these were the very thing that drove me to the throne of God.  I learned how to read the Bible and pray at that time, not because I was plugged into a youth camp, I'm not saying those are bad, but I sought God, one in effort to settle my salvation, and cure my loneliness, the youth group came later.  Seeking God was where I found both assurance and intimacy but this was only the begin of God's ongoing work in me
My freshman year going into high school, I had surgery on the other hip, body cast again.  This was different though, because I relied upon God's grace and sensed his peace through the agony of physical therapy.  I discover ed 2 cor. 12:9 and my outlook changed.  I'll continue later, but maybe you wonder why I shared this with you well because God has called me as his child in Isa 63 to tell of his praiseworthy acts upon my life, and how He has carried me, and sustained me, and I'm going to need to speak a shorter version of my story over time, but to get myself use to "telling" the story God created for me, I need to write it like in Hk. chapter 2.  Thank you for reading my epic entry.

Letting Go and remembering who I AM!

As I sit here in my Newly made office trying to process the last few weeks.  It occurs to me it is nearly impossible to do without writing.  It is a challenge to know what and how much to share with you my bloggers.  After all most of you don't know me outside of blogland, and those who do, are either really close to me or only know bits and pieces of who I really am.  I have actually been "running" from my blog these past few weeks, because I have not really wanted to be a grown up.  I heard a christian radio program on Friday which said we can never be who God has called us to be, unless we are of all things willing to be transparent.
The truth is there are times I feel like I am just one giant stigma.  Here me out...  I'm not having a pity party here, at least I'm not attempting to.  My having CP brings a bit of a label all its own, and it is often hard  not to expand those labels and allow these labels to define who I am.  For example, there are things my physical limits prevent me from doing some things, like driving a car, dancing, walking, showering on my own)  I do bathe, you should know that lol.  What is hard about those limits isn't most often the physical challenges, isn't so much the limits themselves, but rather the emotional/spiritual side battle that rages within me.  Sometimes deep down I constantly battle trying to overcompensate for weakness.  For example, being dependent upon others at times makes  me feel incompetent as though I am inferior or lack good judgement.  I use to tell people, that my physical challenges didn't bother me, and ironically there was a time I believed that to be true.  I fight against shame.  I wonder sometimes isn't my fault?  I wonder sometimes why God would want me to be physically reliant on my family.  More than that though I wonder why in my 20's has the reality hit me all the sudden?  Why don't I deal with it, better?  I look at my mom and how she never seems sad over what she has had to deal with these past 2 years.  How she seems to just accept things as they are without even a tiny question lingering.  I am like Lord what's wrong with me?  I struggle to know what adulthood is suppose to like as physically challenged person.  How much is expected of me?  How much can I control?  What and how much should I expect of myself?  My doctor does believe I had a partial seizure a few weeks ago.  It sounds crazy, but part of me is glad, it was something out of my control.  I can't blame myself for this one.  I can blame myself for panic attacks or depressed moods, and to a degree I can even blame myself for failing to rise above CP, but I cannot possibly blame myself for a seizure.  The truth is though, God says None of these condemning words to me.  He does not evaluate me this way.  He says: You are mine. Romans 10:9,  You are qualified. Phil 4:13 You are my Masterpiece, Eph. 210 You are loved!  Eph. 1:3, You are free.  Gal. 5:1, You are victorious! Romans 8.  You are forgiven 1 John 1:9 These are only a taste of who I am because of Christ.  So as I was so sick the other night with a severe migraine and struggling with my new chair, God was not placing a damaged sign on me.  He was not declaring me useless, or weak.  He was bringing me to the place of letting go again.  Letting go of the shame, the self hate, the pride, the reminders of the sins of my past.  This is a struggle I have battled for so long, and will likely battle again, but my prayer is that my struggle will not be wasted, and in the final outcome by God's grace God will use my brokenness to draw others  to himself.  So tonight I lay my emotionally messed up self, my spiritually insufficient self and my physically challenged self upon the altar of the living God and plead for mercy.  Remembering that I'm yours.  Remembering what you did for me, and still do for me.  I remember it is not me, that has strength, but You in me!  In this moment I can sing!  My Chains are Gone!  We were never meant to operate in our flesh as Christians, and to be honest, in the last few weeks this what I've done.   The world will never see Jesus in me, until I'm out of the way, and I'll never be out of the way, as long as I'm wearing my mask, and relying on my flesh.

Desiring the Higher Things,

Pulling hair out! Venting!

Hello,

Warning there is no telling what this post may be about. I have been trying to send an e-mail out to over 100 people for 2 hours for my volunteer work. My email provider refuses to send the message, because it says it contains too many contacts. The ironic thing is, that only one contact has been added since the last mailing. It is an urgent prayer request that one of the volunteers/former staff asked me to send out ASAP.

It is time for the Walk For Life fundraiser and I have no clue how to involve my church in this, because there so much happening in the spring. I have been trying to meet with one of our church staff since Feb about personal matters without any family involvement which totally makes little sense now that I'm posting about it on a public blog. The truth is there are aspects of CP I hate, and I hate myself for that. I don't hate everything about in fact not even most things, but one thing I hate is the lack of control and privacy I have in my life. I hate that someone else has to know when I have to go to the bathroom, and that I can't do that by myself, but instead in that respect I am less than a toddler. I hate that the people who care for me have more control over my body than I do. I don't like to focus on these things, because it is self centered. I am healthy and for now mom is well! I am going to devote an entire entry to the wonders God has done in my life and the life of my family. For now, Lord please have mercy on me, and allow me to lay aside all the yucky stuff inside me I don't like that I cannot be left in the house alone, because there is a slim possibilty that the house might catch on fire and I cannot get out on my own. Okay all better.... Thank you all for indulging me, and my temper tantrum.

Nugget of encouragement

http://reblog.zemanta.com/zemified/b425f3b4-7f80-42a5-a452-8bd34b19a460/ Nugget of encouragement If you have a disability I know this will encourage, you, but even if you don't I'm confident it will still minister you.

My chair is currently in the mechanic shop, and the spare chair I am using really is almost impossible to use or manage in public. Some time maybe I will want to write about my journey with CP, but I have not felt that has a place on this blog up to this point. Hope you enjoy the link to the devotional above. BTW is anyone still reading my post out there??? Ha!