Home again

 3 years?  How has it been that long???  It has been a busy and complicated, and amazing three years in many ways.  Filled mostly with events I could not share with my readers.  These years have been happy, sad, scary, and unpredictable.  There have been moments when I have wondered if I will survive and become the theme of my life!  True confession some days I embraced the sunsets in the messy, other days not so much!  If you are still here Thank you!  I'm home.....  

A promise Kept!

Do you remember the first time someone promised you to be there and they weren't?  Maybe a friend broke your trust or a parent who missed that soccer game?  The fishing trip or the birthday party you spent months talking about, or that wedding that was planned, but didn't happen, because the person who promised to be by your side for the rest of your life, somehow could not even be there for an hour to declare their love for you.    Worse maybe you carry the weight of a promise you made and broke. 
I have been both the person who was hurt by promises not kept and the person who has broken a promise.  In fact, more than once I have tasted the bitter reality of a promise unfulfilled.  Sometimes I have been the person who has inflicted pain on others and myself because I  made a promise. I didn't keep or I believed a promise that wasn't kept.  Do you need something sure in a world of uncertainty?  I bet you do, and so do I, but is anything true anymore?  Will we see our sunsets again figuratively speaking?  Well,, that will depend on where we look for hope.  Whose promises will you and I  choose to believe?  The politicians, The government? Our churches?  Our educators? Our families?  Our finances, our country?  After nine weeks in the house, only seeing a handful of people, I have a lot of time to reflect, and even for a person like me, who recharges best having a lot of alone time, nine weeks is a bit extreme.     All things I listed, are not bad, but if these are where we find security, we will always be disillusioned, cynical, and yes like I was as a nine-year girl, through blurred tears, as I learned sometimes people make promises they can't keep, even though their intentions were good...   I found the ultimate trustworthy Promise Keeper!  He is trustworthy and True!  He keeps his promises, and not a one has failed me.  If I haven't seen it coming to fulfillment yet, based upon his track record, I can trust Him!  So when you and I are tempted to find security in our position, our bank account, our government aid, our knowledge. our status, our health,  our mentors, ourselves, then we are looking for hope in false promises. So many times I still trade the unfailing promises of God in for temporary false promises.  Don't miss your Sunsets in this time of personal and global chaos, instead, I hope we will look to Jesus who is always the Keeper of His promises!
Hebrews 6:18-19

 God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope set before us may be greatly encouraged. 19 We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm, and secure. 

Is fear causing you to miss your Sunsets? Based on Ps. 34:4 and Romans 8

I remember being in a mainstream education class for the first time as a first-grader.  For those who may not be aware, that is what schools called it years ago when a student with any disability was seen as being able to interact in a classroom with children who do not have any type of visible disability.  Even being young, I often felt I needed to prove or earn a right to be there like any other kid, but to be honest, I wasn't sure I was smart enough or capable enough myself. though I would never admit my fear to anyone including myself. The more successful I was, the more I feared I would wake up one day to the reality that my success was null and void.   I loved to read but was often terrified to read out loud.  I still don't like to.  Math though I wasn't mainstreamed for math until 8th grade, and I was years behind.   If I wanted a real high school diploma though I had to pass the math testing.  It was a total nightmare. I even got the pre-algebra award for the most improved student for a semester.  People, I guess thought that was something to be proud of but I wasn't.  I was embarrassed and ashamed of my struggle., though by God's grace and some really amazing family members I passed the state testing.  I went to tutoring in high school every week, for a minimum of 3 hours on top of keeping up with the other homework, and trying to attend youth group on Wednesdays, because the Bible interested me more than anything I learned in school.  People thought I liked going to school because I only ever made one C on all report cards in 12 years before college.  I was happy and expressive, but school years were misery for me a lot of times.  It wasn't all bad though, I loved most of my teachers, and unlike some kids, I was never bullied or made fun of by peers.  I went to "good" schools.  Looking back, I regret I did not try out for the Middle School debate team.  I would have done well.  I can argue with a wall if I'm passionate and believe in something.    I had a fleeting thought of writing for the school newspaper, but my motto was to do something one hundred percent or don't do it all.   There is nothing wrong doing things well, in fact, I wish people gave their best more, but I am learning. doing your best does not always mean being the best at whatever it is.  Fear has kept m from doing a lot of good and positive experiences over the years, but the more I learn to embrace the grace of Jesus, the more I find the freedom to overcome the fear, instead of avoiding it or running from it.  Fear is something I think some of us almost battle from birth.  It is hard to break patterns of fear because we become enslaved most of the time because of temperament and/or trauma.  I am not writing this post, because I have mastered fear, in fact, it might surprise you to know, most mornings I have an inner battle with fear and dread.  It wears off by about noon most days, but it is one reason I don't like having conversations before nine-thirty in the morning because if I haven't read the Bible or prayed first, my mind will be hit with an overwhelming sense of dread, if I don't begin with thankfulness, and get my mindset right.     Someone once told me fear was a sin, and it only added to my shame and reinforced my fears.  I know this person meant well, but you cannot condemn or in a sense beat the fear out of someone, instead, you give the cure, you don't try to take the fear away, you combat it with the real truth one is loved and cared for so fear unfounded at least, is not necessary.  How do you embrace your own sunsets in the face of fear?  What has worked for you, and what has not?
Action Step- What are you refusing to do or feel because you are scared?  Identify the fear.   Ask someone you trust to tell you what they see.  A friend did this at the beach last year, and it helped me so much! 

Lord, If You Had Been Here, Then...

Can I be honest?  I have been avoiding writing a post lately.  As a writer, there are times when you don't want to write.  You don't think you have anything anyone wants or needs to read.  My writing is a lot like my prayer life sometimes.  I don't want to pray about that thing.  I don't want to take that question or questions to God which leaves a lump in my throat. I just want to sweep it under the pretty colorful rug in our living room.

I want to be that Christian who doesn't get angry when Comcast cable asks me the same question fifteen times expecting if they ask long enough my answer will differ from what it was thirty seconds ago.  I want to be that Christian you know the one who's first thought is what does the Bible say about this, instead of chocolate can fix it  I thought after losing our mom to cancer, everything else would be kept in perspective, and for the most part, I hope I have done that, but I had expectations of myself spiritually after the last almost five years.  I thought my faith would grow. and while I have learned on a heart and soul level that God is good and compassionate, trust is not my immediate response to obstacles.  I can "preach" grace with the best of them, but accepting, it resting in it myself has for me been tugging war for many years. I've been a bit silent on the blog for a while because I feel pressure or maybe it is pride wanting acceptance to impress or make my writing lighter for your reading.  I know that is what many people want, and I truly get it.  Life is hard enough, keep it simple.  Keep it funny.  It is coming,,but I need to ask you to give me grace for the journey I have been on for the last few years.  I need time to let my soul catch up.  Yes, I'm working on writing a book ever so slowly.  Between working with the heavy cases of pregnancies unplanned.  I find myself wanting to love well my 89-year old grandmother in her declining health.  I owe her so much. I felt much the same way in the last year of my mom's life.  Scared to stay by her side, but never wanting to do anything or be anywhere else if she wasn't.     I don't want to have regrets wishing I had taken more time.  So yes there have been many laughs during the unknowns.  I've been challenged in my faith, invited to grow, built transparent and fun friendships.  I have found people who want to know me, even before they discovered my last name.  if my posts have had a sad tone over the last few years, it is probably because I have seen and experienced some sad.  I haven't stopped loving or laughing.  I haven't stopped praying or expecting to see God's glory.  This week I studied the account of Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead in John 11.  Before the miracle, this man's sisters told Jesus
 Lord, if you had been here physically our brother, would not have died. They dd not grasp the fact that Jesus already knew what was going to happen, He knew what had already happened.        Jesus knew the whole story...  The sisters I believe thought as long Jesus was present, there would not be death or pain.  As I reread the account last night the tears flowed even as I tried to suppress those.  Unlike these sisters, I know Jesus is there, He was there, and He will be there.  I also know that just because Jesus is with us, does not mean we won't see the pain of death, hurt, or abuse, because Jesus tasted all of it too.    This does did not make the grief any less painful.  What it does offer you and me is the comfort and love of Jesus in the pain.  my own[ struggle has been since Jesus is with us  I  wonder why would God not choose to stop it? That is what faith really is, not avoiding questions, but believing God is great enough, to shine his glory and compassion in our pain.  Jesus knew pain, so why would I think we would be exempt from it, if the Sinless Son of God, was subjected to suffering loss, and rejection Consider what question or hurt you fear inviting God into. and let go.  It might not be once or twice and wax on wax off, kind of deal but together let us invite Jesus to be Lord and King over the pain.  Many people believe it is wrong to ask God questions, I use to be one of those people,  God does not forbid questions, nor should parents, but just as parents may allow questions, this does not mean all questions will be answered. God does not have to answer us, but that doesn't mean he does not allow us the freedom to ask Him.   What funny serious or heartfelt, question would you desire to ask God if you believed you had the freedom to ask?  Thanks for embracing the Sunsets even in the unanswered questions along the journey.

Finding your Sunset when the past still hurts.

The afternoon I went to a funeral visitation of the wife, of a man who has always been kind to me.  I don't know this man well, but He has been a jokester when I have been around him, but today wasn't a day for jokes.  Before you read any further please be aware this is a heavy post, and it is one I will not no I can't apologize for.     This post isn't fun or lighthearted there's plenty of time and room for that. Friends this isn't that post, and if sadness makes you uncomfortable, PLEASE give yourself permission to keep scrolling.  Sincerely I mean that  You see this man's wife died in her forties leaving behind 5 kids of all ages and her husband.  She died of colon cancer.....  When I heard this news it wasn't that I wanted to go and comfort this man, oh part of me did...  The part that does not want him and his family to feel they are alone.  You see I know what it is to love someone and lose someone to the Hell that is colon cancer.  I know what it is to be sad and confused 5 days before my 32nd birthday because of the fact colon cancer took my biggest fan.  I lost my mom, and a couple years later a classmate who was 32 at the time to cancer  I spent so many nights after everyone went to bed softly crying wondering how my brother would ever be able to survive to lose our mother in his late 20s was unthinkable to me.  How would I ever survive even losing her at 32?    So then today when I saw a nine-year-old boy slumped over in a chair surrounded by people probably only a handful of which he knew their names, dealing with the cold reality that his mom was not there, I remembered the brain fog I felt at my mom's visitation, and how much it hurt when people said, well at least they were expecting it.  Nothing hurt more than those words to me.  I knew what they meant and even if they were right, it never brought me comfort.  What did bring me comfort was hearing how my mom made people laugh.  I was comforted by people saying how much my mom's students loved her.  My Pastor's wife, told me somehow things would be ok, and I found so much comfort in those words.  5 days later my Pastor sent me a funny birthday card, which I still have 4 years later.
What could I have said today to this man grieving the loss of his wife, the mother of his children?  I could have said, You will find happiness again.  I could have said life is unfair and hard.  I could have said, I'm praying for him, and I am, but even that seemed hallow.  I spoke only two words to this man. Those words were I'm sorry.  In those words I meant, I'm sorry cancer stole the women you love.  I'm sorry your children know the pain of seeing their mom slip away.  I'm sorry the sky isn't filled with sunsets.  I'm sorry the days are long, but the nights are even longer.  Sometimes though less means more, and I said I'm sorry.  There is something I wish I'd said though.  Something far more powerful Jesus is here.  I don't know this man's spiritual beliefs, but one thing I know is, knowing Jesus is here in the hurt matters!  As you face life's dark places, has to know The Maker of your Sunset is here in your pain made a difference in and for you? Part of me didn't want to relieve the pain of almost 5 years ago, but I knew God never wastes our pain, and so if an ounce of compassion can comfort a man just by showing up, it is worth any discomfort it may cause me.

Are you clearly seeing your Sunsets?

A sunset moment is any moment good or bad that awakens us to the beauty of life and our own authentic purpose.  It is the redemptive element one sees when we take the time and effort to learn, grow, find meaning in the greater story we were created for.  It is a moment of clarity, a realization big or small which when implemented, fully embraced makes us more present and more a reflection of the one by who an by who we created for what each was created for.  Sunset moments serve as a reminder to live, appreciate grown, and to motivate to see a glimpse of the grander story.  It doesn't just make life better it makes life more abundant more meaningful even the pain.  In other words, a sunset moment can often be the beauty rising from the ashes.  It is a smile on a rainy day, a laugh long overdue.  It is a splash of gratitude in a mountain of chaos It is an act of kindness when no one is there to witness its impact except you God and the recipient.   It is where joy and hardship dance.  It is where the ordinary has a head-on collision with the spectacular!    A sunset moment transforms us even if only for a moment to teach, us, inspire us to inspire others through and in the midst of our every day living.  Jesus referred to it John 10:10 as abundant life.      Tim Tebow calls it purpose, One pastor calls it knowing your Why.  Athletes sometimes call it the sweet spot.   We all know what it is even if we can't explain it.  Based on this explanation have you had a Sunset moment this week?  Have you embraced it or have missed those?

Sunset Moments of 2019 and Hope for 2020

Confession:  I'm not a big dreamer goal setter, and usually New Years day I'm a little sad when I see everyone making goals, dreaming and planning, mostly because I buy into it's just another day, and there is some truth in the reality that a change of year isn't a magic pill or a blank check that automatically changes one's life usually.  Last year at this my grandmother was facing health challenges that brought fear and great uncertainty not only to her but to us her family also.  If you told me this time last year that I could have endured what I have, I would have thought you surely were wrong.  If you told me almost 5 years ago, I would have survived watching our mother slip away, as cancer took her life. I would have said I'll never survive the depression and anxiety that crippled me and almost stole my life, I would have told you I could not do it, I would  not ever find joy again, But God knew better than me.     Yes, I got the shingles for likely the second time in 4 years, but God has been faithful.  I have been stretched spiritually and questioned and.trusted.  I have truly found joy in 2019, I have developed a greater gratitude for family,and I have deepened my friendships. I have spoken up for myself, and I have made mistakes.  In  2019, I have been bolder.  I have risked and been vulnerable, and I have extended a little more grace to myself and I hope others too.  I’ve been honest, even when maybe people didn’t want me to be. It has been sweet, fun, and hard, but I’m glad I lived all of it.  Here are some of my best moments in 2019

i

114 reasons why I Have a wonderful Life and I'm thankful!

100 REASONS I AM THANKFUL AND I HAVE A WONDERFUL LIFE

1. JESUS LOVES ME.
2. JESUS KNOWS ME 
3. JESUS FORGIVES ME! 
4. JESUS SUSTAINS ME! 
5. JESUS COMFORTS ME. 
6. JESUS IS WITH ME
7. JESUS UNDERSTANDS ME
8. JESUS GAVE HIS LIFE FOR ME
9. JESUS HELPS ME.
10. God's spirit lives within me.
11. Magaret 
12. Ron,
13. Bill
14. Brady, 
15. Jack 
16. Mandy
17. Kim & Brad Jocelyn and Cameron
18. My brother, Mara, and Maddie and Harper
19. Mumzie
20. Macy 
21. A PLACE TO LIVE
22. GRACE FOR EVERY MOMENT
23. Family
24. Maddie's name
25. Jenn Hand
26. Michelle 
27. Todd 
28. Alex
29. Hope
30. Abbi
31. Jacob Ray
32. Mama and Daddy  Hand
33. Houston and Katy Gibson
34. Matt Bailey
35. Lauren Judkins.
36. Church
37. Community 
38. wheelchair
39. My sight,
40. My Hearing
41. Use of my Hand
42. My computer
43. WIFI
44. FOOD
45. Water/ Shower
46. The privilege of growing up in Brainerd Hills Baptist church
47. My van
48. Barbara Nunley
49. My WONDERFUL Overnight work crew
50. Real friendships
51. My faith is growing.  
52. Two Rivers Church
53. Everyone who gives me rides to Church   
54. Martha Rodgers 
55. Shelia Dale
56. Linda Matthews
57. SISTERS OF HOPE AND SAFE Tower prayer groups.
58. Money
59. Printer
60. Memory foam mattress.
61. Health getting better.
62.  clothes
63. medicine
64. Heaven 
65. Choices volunteers and staff
66. unexpected surprise gifts.
67. Music
68. Sun
69. Healthy relationships
70. Sharon White
71. Aunt Phyllis 
72. CONVICTION ABOUT MY SIN!  
73. The House family
74. CARLY turko\
75. Meghan and her family
76. Lindsay and Dave, 
77. Terry and Cindy
78. David and Dana
79. Emily and Chad Hall.
80. The Howells
81. Logan and Liz and Lettie/
82. Chrysalis/Emmas
83. The Jessen and Teague families
84.   Sandra Rose
85. Beth Barber
86. Peggy Worsham
87. Janis Marshall
88. The Vandegriffs:
89. Richard Mason Humor and care Dianne's  cooking and kindness
90. Andrew Crawford
91. Sally and Joe Henderson
92. Mike Lofton and Deb's kindness to me.
93. Spring
94. answered prayers/unanswered 
95. ALEXA 
96. BROWNIES
97. ALL CAREGIVERS CURRENT EVEN THE ONES THAT DRIVE ME NUTS
98. Dresses
99. filtered WATER
100.   Saturdays and Sundays
101. Julia and Mike K.
102. Mike Graham
103. Glenna and Matt Rodgers
104. Carta. 
105. Purple blanket 
106. George and Sharron Pepper
107. The Dees's and the Caseys and the Murdock's  
108. The Hightower's
109. Tina Massingale.
110. Amber Walden
111. Sally Thomas. 
112. Memories with mom
113. Conversations with dad. 
114. wining against Depression  

What is a sunset anyway?

It seems like a simple question does it not?  Most people have seen one.  That beautiful image that pokes its way through the clouds or between the trees.  That splash of bright orange interacting with that sometimes cotton candy pink.  Sometimes it takes your breath away  Stops you in your tracks.  It is the sunset that often causes me to pause.  It is often the sunset that puts my place, reminds me how small I am, and how big God is.  I'll even tell you a secret too, I've been known to tear up at a sunset or two.  Shh, don't tell anyone ok?   You see for many years now, I believe all of us have defining moments that change us,  that make us better, and more fully present and engaged in this beautiful, messy journey called life.  It may be a moment in the midst of a hard season where you find something beautifully breathtaking either before during or after a storm.  We may have a Sunset moment every day or maybe less.  It might be a smile, a prayer, a song, a card a word of hope, a butterfly landing on a bush.  A friend's laughter, a donation, etc.  It may be months or years before you see your next one.  If you and I aren't looking and paying attention, there are so many reasons we miss our sunset moments.  Those moments teach us about what is important The moments which drive us to savor and celebrate our blessings and to find goodness and joy in the face of pain and sorrow.  Sunset moments are often uniquely specific and deeply personal.        In the coming weeks, it is my hope and intent to post about different barriers that keep us from recognizing and embracing the Sunsets in our lives.  Before we explore that though, it is crucial to understand what embracing your Sunset means, and also what embracing your sunset does not mean.
    Embracing your sunset for me personally always means discovering my God-given purpose, and in so doing, my desire is both to love and serve well A sunset moment can be both positive and negative event, gesture,  lesson, spark, but it will always ultimately drive us to love, savor, celebrate, learn, grow, and it motivates us and shapes to fulfill our purpose, and brings positive transformation.   HAVE YOU HAD A SUNSET MOMENt  LATELY?  

Action Step-  Ask GOD to reveal to you a blessing or sunset moment He has given you lately.  Here is one of mine this summr.

A Story about A Dog and How it reminded me of God's Faithfulness!

As I sit here, wondering how the pieces will ever come together in this puzzle called life. I remembered another time I was sure nothing would work out when I realized I could no longer keep my dog, Franklin, My spirit was crushed. I felt sure beyond repair physically sick with fear of what would happen to him. Who would take this dog I loved so much! If you are not a dog lover, and no I don't mean a dog-liker.  I mean a dog lover bordering on being the crazy person who is not embarrassed to say I'd rather have a dog than a spouse, then  I both pity you and envy you. Those of you who think having a dog means you feed it, and leave it outside. I am a dog lover, there is no I like you, its I fall head of heels in love, it is you're my friend and I'm, not just your master. Who in the world could or would take this dog who had endured most likely abandonment and abuse. Then He got so attached to my mom she was his person. He lost her, and losing him, felt like I was losing her all over again. It seemed so unfair. Yet God provided Lana. She served as his groomer, and she became his savior. I called her one day balling my eyes out. " I can't take care of him, He deserves better", I said through uncontrollable sobs. Remembering, I told God if he would make a way,, I'd surrender Franklin. Can you help me find him a home? She was kind and gracious said she would try and find someone, I told her I had 2 weeks before I had to rehome him. She considered a few people, but I wanted him groomed before He left me, and she agreed. The day He was groomed Lana asked me if she could keep him overnight and take him on a trip to see family after He was groomed. "Sure," I said... I was relieved I knew time was running short. Franklin never made it on the trip, and because the trip did not occur at the time, and Franklin has been with Lana ever since that day. Through the tears, worry and broken heart God remained faithful. He provided and what seemed impossible, became better for him than I could ever dream. If I am honest, as much as it hurt my heart, it was best for me too. It still hurts, and a few tears rolled down my cheeks, even though now a few years have passed.

       What this story reminds me of today, as I embark on unknown territory with something else, It isn't an unknown path to God! He knows where the road leads. He knows the aspects of the situation, others don't grasp. God isn't still trying to figure out the best plan, He is the best plan. Ephesians 3:20 How has recalling God'a faithfulness, helped you remember to trust him to bring your sunset to pass in your right now?

He Will Be Back.

"Mama be back?  My three-year-old cousin asked me as we watched her favorite cartoon.  I saw the concern in her eyes as she knew she would be staying with us while her mom went out running some errands for a few hours.   In a three-year-old mind, three hours felt like forever.  "Yes, honey, she is coming back." She was then able to turn her attention back to TV.   Knowing her mom would return to pick her up gave her security.  She knew as long as her mommy was coming back to get her she would be okay, and it made the separation anxiety manageable. She often asked the question several times, but each time she asked more time passed before she would ask again,   Eventually, she started to. understand that while her mom was leaving her for a short while, she would return.
 Before her mom did come to take home, we both would encourage her to gather her belongs, before her mom came back. Sometimes she would accept the encouragement and gather her stuff, but other times, when it was time to go home, she would stall wanting to stay longer, even though a short time before she wanted her mom to come back to take her home.   I have seen this countless times from children. 

It is a reflection of Christian life at times.  We know that Jesus has told us the church He will come back to get his children, just like my cousin's mom knew she would return for my cousin, and take her home. 
   “When the Son of Man returns, it will be like it was in Noah’s day. 38In those days before the flood, the people were enjoying banquets and parties and weddings right up to the time Noah entered his boat. 39People didn’t realize what was going to happen until the flood came and swept them all away. That is the way it will be when the Son of Man comes.

40“Two men will be working together in the field; one will be taken, the other left. 41Two women will be grinding flour at the mill; one will be taken, the other left.

42“So you, too, must keep watch! For you don’t know what day your Lord is coming. 43Understand this: If a homeowner knew exactly when a burglar was coming, he would keep watch and not permit his house to be broken into. 44You also must be ready all the time, for the Son of Man will come when least expected.

45“A faithful, sensible servant is one to whom the master can give the responsibility of managing his other household servants and feeding them. 46If the master returns and finds that the servant has done a good job, there will be a reward. 47I tell you the truth, the master will put that servant in charge of all he owns.48But what if the servant is evil and thinks, ‘My master won’t be back for a while,’ 49and he begins beating the other servants, partying, and getting drunk? 50The master will return unannounced and unexpected, 51and he will cut the servant to pieces and assign him a place with the hypocrites. In that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth."  Matthew 24:37-50  find it here

Most Christians I know fall into two camps including me.  Jesus will you come back today or better yet yesterday.  This is the group I most often find myself in.  The Jesus I don't fit here.  Some days not only am I not at home here, sometimes I don't even like it here on earth.  I don't like hearing caregivers tell me how tired they are from caring for me.  I don't like the fast pace world I am living in.  I don't like racism or poverty, or sadness or fill in the blank   The next group is Jesus could you tarry a little longer, I'd like to see the kids graduate from college.  I'd like to finish painting the house first.  I would like to accomplish that bucket list, please Lord.    So which group is right?  Neither are and both are at the same time.  There is nothing wrong with wanting to see your son or daughter graduate or getting married as long as the ultimate goal is to do it primarily as a channel through which Christ is honored and exalted.  There is nothing wrong with enjoying and being grateful for gifts God provides, but if that brings you as much or more joy than seeing Jesus, then you are likely missing the point for which you were created. The point is to both a relationship with The Living God and to honor and exalt Him, and sharing with others how they get the point to.  

On the flip side, the Jesus come now the group has to be careful to understand God has a reason for all things, and as long as He waits in coming, it serves His purpose to give all the opportunity to turn away from self and to place their trust in Christ.  I can't help but wonder if He rightly lingers giving his children the chance to develop a heart like his or to point loved ones and friends to His Son.    In seasons of life, I've been in both groups as a believer.  A Pastor once told me, you want to be mindful of eternity, but never so mindful you can't be any earthly good.  Dr. John Barber.   

Remember I wrote we encouraged my cousin to gather her, belongings so she would be ready when it was time to leave and go home?  It all comes down to being ready and what motives we have. Getting ready with confidence for eternity may be having that conversation that is awkward.   It might mean asking yourself if Jesus were to come back tomorrow, what would you want to do differently?  It could mean honestly asking is it Jesus I'm longing to be with or a desire for the hard earthly circumstances to be over?  The point, Don't Miss the Maker of Your Sunset as you pursue the sunset the Son of God has prepared for you and for me!

Confident (Lyrics) - Steffany Gretzinger

The space between us. An update letter to you...

Where has the sunset lady been since her last post on November 15th?  Well in January my wonderful grandmother's health, began to decline, the details I will not share because while I lived the story with her, it is not my own story to tell.  I will honor her with the dignity and grace because while the mind does strange things and even alters personality and memory, the heart is still there.      I will say a dementia diagnosis was finally made and medication provided.    Her quality of life has improved a lot since being on medication.       She is a trooper!  So many funny moments and a few repetitive ones also.    One thing is for sure, she is super loved and support.  In a new, way she is just as protective and caring as she always has been.      I have increased the amount of care I'm getting through the agency because needs change.
 Soon two of my caregivers will be on leave which is two of my most steady workers.    Working those details out currently.    The extra hours are of help both for my family and I are true lifesavers.  I am thankful for God's provision.     Mumzie does not get out much, because is physically and mentally exhausting, but she did d go to her grandson's baseball game recently, and a Good Friday church service and Easter Lunch with family.   She enjoyed all of these.   I continue to volunteer with Choices on Tues and sometimes Fridays.
Thursday is store and errands day, I like to feel as if I am contributing to the house in a few small ways.  Plus I hope it is hopeful it helps Aunt as she so kindly brings our dinner at least 5 nights week when caregivers are not set to come.  She and my uncle both face health challenges, but neither of them misses a beat.    They often pick up all four grandkids from school and of course, their grandchildren adore them.  My aunt takes my grandmother to all her doctor visits.  She is active in church on numerous committees and is checking to make sure my grandmother has her meds prepared.  She is very good at multitasking and is one of the most organized people God ever made.  She serves as a taxi for her family I included.   I truly don't know how she and my uncle have anything left they do so much, and I often think God,  I know everyone different, but I both envy and admire their ability to juggle so many things at once.  Not only happy things like Birthdays, weddings, births but really had stuff like loss and unexpected crisis too. Why can't I be more like them?  I often ask myself this question.  Why is it I seem to require more physical and even sometimes even more emotional rest than others.    There always seems to an obstacle with my care, and just when you think one problem is solved other surfaces.  Yet God always gives the grace to meet my every need.  He is always there to pick me up when I fall or feel as if things are just hard.    Am I saying my life is harder or as hard than someone else's,  no?   Am I throwing my own pity party I pray this isn't the case?     My point is this,  Jesus never pretended He did not get tired, nor did He claim life or the cross an easy or even that it was desirable.  John 16:33

Keeping our eyes on Jesus, the source and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that lay before Him endured a cross and despised the shame and has sat. down at the right hand of God’s throne."   Hebrews 12:2 Jesus knew there would be an unbearable shame and agony going to the cross.  It wasn't all he knew though.  He knew the souls the cross would bring forgiveness, hope, and peace to a desperately dying and broke wounded imperfect people with names, skin tones, personalities, and pasts.      It was the joy of what the cross would accomplish and fulfill the divine purpose of The Father which enabled Jesus to endure.  As I write this there is a question floating around in my brain.  How do you find your sunset moments when life demands you rise to the occasion when life is hard,  Moments are mixed with joy and sadness.    How do you find your sunset when busy screams loud?   When worry makes you weary, and you find you tempted to live on autopilot instead of embracing intentional abudnant living?  

     Here are some helpful reminders for me.  I hope you find these helpful.

1. breathe

2. Look to the example Jesus gave!

3.    Look for encouragement and blessings others have blessed you with.  For me this week it has birthdays cards and cakes!  

4. Resist the urge to compare to others.  I did the opposite above.     

    Slowly working on choosing to Live!    Don't miss your Sunset!

100 Reasons

Some of you know in years past I have shared my thankful 100 for my own reflection also hoping it will inspire your own list whether you share it with others or not.
Sometimes I do this privately some years publicly, but the important thing is to do it  Nike said it, culture said it, but the Bible said it first when referring to giving thanks.' in every situation [no matter what the circumstances] be thankful and continually give thanks to God; for this is the will of God for you in Christ Jesus.'  


1 THESSALONIANS 5:18
https://my.bible.com/bible/1588/1TH.5.18
In no certain order:
here are my 100 Reasons I'm thankful in 2018

1. Jesus sought me and Bought me.
2. My brother, sister in Love and Nieces,
3. The memory of my mom and dad
4.   Mumzie, Margaret and Ron, Bill and Mandy, Kim & Brad and all the kids.
5. Beach Family, Hand family
6. extended family
7. Two Rivers Church 
8. Love and continued relationships with BHBC 
9. 2rc Kids
10. The chance to live at home
11. New relationships 
12. Personal growth
13. Basic needs met
14. Clean water
15. Health
16. Clothes
17. Transportation 
18. Alexa
19. Caregivers 
20. Choices Chattanooga 
21. Purpose
22. No migraine today
23. The strength to admit I was in the wrong
24. Our Beach trip
25. Hanging out with Jenn
26. Playing with Hope and Abbi
27. Watching Alex
28. Watching Harper play Softball 
29. Holding Maddie the first time
30. Almost going to jail with Megahan friends Lindsay and Megahan.   
31. Having a friend like Kristin to hold my head when. I puke my brains our.
32. Lindsay and Dave’s Wedding 
33. Cassie Reyes 
34. Surprise visits with Mike Graham 
35. Time with the House Family
36. Time with Justin
37. Keeping In touch with The Howell family
38. Sisters of Hope
39. Prayer from Todd 
40. Laughs with Michelle 
41. Running almost out of gas with Houston
42. Raw Oysters with Matt
43. Time with Aunt Phyllis and Garrett 
44. Watching Brady Wrestle 
45. Watching Jocelyn decorate 
46. Dinner delivered
47. Laughs with Margaret and Ron
48. Chats with Sis In love 
49. Hugs from kids at church
50. Listening to clients
51. Logan and Liz
52. Friends
53. Tom Henley
54. Sammi Dees 
55. Kattie Dees
56. The legacy of Susan Morris and Willma Fowler
57. Martha Rodgers
58.  Marsha Rodgers 
59. A hug from Dianne Mason
60. A sweet card from Choices 
61. Freedom to risk and Freedom to fail
62. Sandra Rose and het prayers
63. Lana and Franklin
64. Insurance 
65. Money
66. Water filter
67. WiFi
68. Maggie
69. Macy
70. Our neighbors 
71. The UPS Guy at work. 
72. My fan
73. My Computer 
74. Jon Teague’s real how are yous 
75.  Chris Jessen’s real bulleye how did he know that prayers
76. Katie Jessen’s ask all the right questions kind of caring
77. Katie Teague and her sincere heart for people
78. Brantley Robinson.and his contagious passion
79. Sheila Dale and her real heart
80. People and their generosity to me
81. Barbara, Inga, and Brenda. 
82. Courtnie May
83. Joking with Kevin Murdock.
84. My favorite Bama Fan Bryan Murdock.  
85. Moms Journal
86. Medicine
87. Bed
88. Heaven
89. People who allow me to cry
90. People who allow me to be happy 
91. The chance to tell Maddie about mom
92. Mumzie knows who I am
93. Time with her
94. Sleep
95. Safe drivers
96. Friendsgiving 
97. Shower chair
98. caravan
99. So many more things and people Spirit Horse Ranch Lance and his mom's cookies.  Blackwell Automotive.
100. The word of truth 
101. Oh and just for Kicks Michael W Smith as a bonus

He Is Not Asleep, He is watching.

    Some chronic health problems this year, and some additional responsibilities have caused me to make sleep a priority.   I actually enjoy it.  It is funny when I go to sleep for the last couple of years when I fall asleep, a bulldozer couldn't awaken me I giggled when my sister in love told me my newborn niece gets mad if you wake her from sleep.  Doesn't everyone I thought.  My brother and I both inherited this from our mom who always taught us not to say much until we had at least been up an hour or so.

      I have not met one parent who does not find joy in watching their child sleep.   Partly as a result of the insanity which is referred to as parenthood.  Beyond that though, there is nothing like seeing the peaceful image of a child you love sleeping safely.    Sleep can be healing, but it can also cause a person like me to miss more than one alarm.  Knowing how much I have cherished sleep recently, I was awed when I read Psalm 121 I would not want most people to see me sleep, because I talk in my sleep, sweat and someone told me a few years ago I snore, but I cannot confirm, nor will I. Recently I was scared.  Scared of me.  Scared of the feelings I felt so much so I got out my iPad and started reading my Bible.  I could not get my mind off of things I’ve done in my past, or things I should have done better.  I could not turn off the negative dialogue in my head.  You will always struggle with that, and if people knew they would never admit to knowing you, and they would never want to be around you.  How can you be her daughter, and still struggle with depression and worry?  You will never be half the person she was.  You know she was total opposite of who of who you are.  You need to figure things out before it’s too late. You know you should do more to contribute and be more helpful.  Why do you think you can’t keep caregivers, you are too picky and no one can deal with you? These were just a few of my critical thoughts gone unchecked.  Since my depressive episode two years ago, I occasionally wonder,  if I fail cope right, or make the wrong choice if I will end up that way again.   

Then I came across Psalm 121.  "He will not let you stumble;
    the one who watches over you will not slumber.” 121:3-4I knew it before, you know like when, you know how to spell a word, but when you can’t believe it really is spelled correctly.  This is how it was when I read these verses.  I know the bible says God watches over Israel and does not slumber.  How can I be sure He will watch over me, as a parent over their child?  How can you?  God does not change!  How can you believe God is watching over you?  How can we believe God when He promises not to slumber, but to be present and watchful in our lives, no matter what season we are experiencing?  It is rather exciting to think God is not weary of us, and He does grow tired of our cries or joys.  I dare say He is not even weary for us, in a sense, because He watches and knows the outcome of the story called life.  As I read the verses, I began to recall so many ways God has and is watching over me.  I asked him to help me remember He isn’t sleeping.  I asked him to help me believe He is present and active in the details of my day.  It is making a difference in how I think, and how I feel and hopefully how I act.  How might it help you to embrace your sunsets, if you really believed He IS and has been watching over you?  He isn’t just casually noticing you. He is actively protecting, forgiving, you and, loving you!  He is not tired of you.   

Action Step:  Make a list of ways God is watching over you.  Ask him to help you believe He is not slumbering in any season of your life, and thank him for being your God who is great and does not sleep or leave you to handle things without his watch care.    You pray for me, I will pray for you, because I want this promise to lead us toward the beautiful sunsets He has prepared for us.   

What I learned from a MIddle School Kid about sharing the Gospel.

A  few weeks ago, something brought my attention to a young man on Sunday who shared with students quite a bit younger than him how God loves even the people who do not choose him.  His statement stopped me cold and I listened.    It then reminded me of something I prayed in January you know those new year goals and dreams.  I prayed that God would give me the boldness to tell someone, not about Jesus, many know about him, but less know about how enter into a relationship with Jesus one that would not be solely about avoiding hell and entering heaven though that is part of my desire, because I know  what it is to live apart from Christ for hours, days weeks years and months looking for the assurance that I could know I had been forgiven and did not have to face condemnation and punishment from God   I would not want anyone or myself  to experience an eternity without God through Christ.  I imagine nothing more hopeless than the thought of this.  No rescue, no fulfillment, No compassion, No joy, no justice, No restoration.  No joy no peace.  No comfort, no absolute.  Nothing would matter at all without access to God through Christ for me.  Yet I know many I deeply value believe that their greatest hope is found within the source of self-ability.
       Anyway. evangelism isn't something that comes naturally to me or something I would ever say is something I am gifted with.  When you spend years in a sea of doubt regarding your eternal security all through middle school and through a good portion of high school, it seems almost hypocritical to share the Gospel with others.  Satan will tell you can't share the gospel with others because look at you, you wasted years wondering if Jesus really did rescue you after all.   You will only confuse people the enemy says, so you should not try.  Maybe you never had such thoughts, and if you did you sure would not admit those to all of your blog readers right?  I remember that moment in high school telling God I didn't want to live with the invisible question mark above my head anymore.  I knew I heard the Gospel at age seven, and in whatever capacity I could at the time remember praying that Jesus would be in my life, and recited I knew and believed Jesus died for my sin.  Somehow through the years the memories and details of that event began to get fuzzy.  This led me down at least 3 years of miserable doubt wondering if my salvation "took" for lack of a better phrase.  I kept my secret torment to myself many years, but those doubts led me to dig deep into scripture, long after I had been baptized and joined the church.  One night I guess somehow my mom seemed to be aware this was an issue I was dealing with, and she said "you know T.J. if you are worried about it all you do is ask, and God will settle it.  So one night I did.  Something like God I don't know if I was saved then and just don't remember it, or if I simply have a hard time trusting you to do as you promised but either way I don't want to live in this state of any more, so please help me know that I belong to you.  While many might have walked the aisle or been dunked again I never felt I needed to because for me it was more for my benefit than anyone else.   I knew everyone else was assured of my commitment to follow Christ years ago the only person who doubted that was me and given the limitations I had at that point, I do not feel that Jesus was commanding me to a "rebaptism" because for me it was an issue of my choosing to believe Jesus had the power to rescue me and that he would do as He said He would.  In my case, It was an issue of my not asking him to. Why am I sharing this with and what does it have to do with a middle school boy from church?
About a month ago my sister-in-law boldly made the courageous step to share her story and her obedient choice to be baptized again. As much I never wanted to share this part of my story on Facebook.  I was so encouraged and challenged by her openness this I had to ask myself why was I so reluctant to share my own story?  After that night, which I mentioned above, it was amazing how God opened my eyes and heart to the many verses of assurance.  That night was a turning point for me.  Fast forward to a few weeks ago to hearing this middle schooler tell his younger peers in his own words  God loves everyone, even people who do bad stuff.  At that moment, I realized in many situations you don't need a formal plan of Salvation or a course formula on sharing the Gospel.  We know the truth and facts, but we are scared to speak up and say this is what Jesus has done for me, and I know He can and will this for you.  In fact, He has done this for you already, He is just waiting for you to put your yes on the table.
I don't know if I will I get to see someone come to Christ by sharing my faith.  That isn't the point, the point is am I able and willing to set my pride aside to share with others the best thing that ever happened to me?  I am more willing than I was a month ago, due in no small part to a middle schooler who took God at his word, 2 Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, and in purity.1 Tim. 4:12
  Don't miss your sunset share what counts and relax in the truth.  This young man shared what He knew to be true of God.  What an example to be followed.

Finding my Sunset with The Elephant In the Room... Post contains adult topics. PG-13*

I don't usually like for Cerebral Palsy to be the focus of my writing, but lately, I feel the need to let people into this part of my life, because I'm building some new relationships, and I wonder sometimes if people are curious what a snapshot of a typical week consists of for me.  I was born with Cerebral Palsy often referred to as CP for short.  My mom went to the doctor for a check-up in her seventh month of pregnancy, and doctors said everything was fine.  The crazy thing is her back was hurting at work that night.  She apparently worked 4 days 10 hours.  She found herself in the back seat of her boss's car being taken to a Halifax Daytona Beach Hosptial.  She arrived at the hospital at 930 PM and she always told me she believed I'd born in the back seat of that car the nurses rushed and told her there was no time for any medicine.  The truth mom had the strongest pain tolerance and did not have medicine with me or my younger brother no surprise to either of us. I was born April 29th, weighing in at  3 pounds @ 10:02 PM.  Stayed in the NICU for forty-five days.  Cerebral can be caused by several different things, but in my case, it was believed to be the result of brain damage from Oxygen Depravation.  Many years later I found out a couple from Canada were on Vacation in Daytona and the same thing happened with there baby, but the day I was released from the hospital their baby sadly died.    I wonder what that baby's life might have been like if their outcome had a different ending.  I also wonder how things may have been different if the reverse had occurred.
  There are a few types of CP and no person with CP is affected exactly the same way even if they have the same type.  Some have speech problems I do not., but as much as I talk, people might wish I did sometimes.  I'm kidding.   Some people with CP walk with a limp or cane.  One side is typically stronger than the other.  I am stronger on the right side of my body and have minimal use of my left side.     Cognitive issues can be common, but not in every case.  People often assume that when you say brain damage, it means you don't have cognitive abilities,   They wonder if a person with CP can express themselves or process information most people I know with CP can including me can, but this is not always the case.  CP is anything but a cookie cutter condition.  It is best to ask questions instead of making assumptions.   CP is such a normal part of my existence, questions people have often do not occur, to me. but  I'm not offended by questions.  What is the question that most surprises me?  Once a college student asked me if I could have sex, for a or a disability panel... I  joked and said are you offering yourself?  Quicky I explained I can only speak for me, but the instruments work, I just choose not to use them.  One, because I believe sex is intended for marriage, and I have no expectations of being married.    What is the most common question you are asked?. How do I use the bathroom?  I use adult briefs because my hips and knees are fixed for the most part making it impossible for me to utilize a toilet.     I have caregivers that come a minimum of two times per day, and a max of 3 for showering and personal care.
What do I like about CP that it keeps me humble and patient because I don't have another option and there are times that I would hope it makes more dependant on Christ than I might be without CP because I'm stubborn and do not like depending on others for help.  I like that it makes me more compassionate, and forces me to have a sense of humor about a lot of things.  Can I drive a car?  Nope, I can barely drive my chair to get where I'm going grin
If given the option would I choose CP honestly no, but given the option, I would not choose a lot of things and most of the time I'm glad God does not entrust me with such an option in the hear and now.    So if you could give someone the chance to view an aspect of your life, what would that be?  Love to hear about it!
How do I embrace my sunset with CP?  I look to God, I pray to be content in plenty or want.  I live out my purpose some days poorly other days with great joy!  I know my friends with physical challenges will have great insight to share, which may be much different and contrasting to me my own.   That is a good thing as we have different lives and are different people Feel free to share those.

Savoring Our Sunset at St George Island!

  It took my breath away the bright ball of orange filling the evening sky  The blue sky served as the perfect backdrop, and time stood still.  Awed by the beauty!  Enthralled by joy, and certain my soul could not hold it forever.  Relationships deepened.  The sunset above the water soothing my soul. Many moments of pinching myself to see if I was dreaming.  I never imagined the possibility of witnessing a Florida sunset again.  I never believed the ocean would greet me with arms open, but it happened.  It was not something I dared to pray for or dream of but He knew.  God knew the desires that I buried in my heart.    I not only witness a beautiful sunset I experienced it savored, it, and shared with some special people.    Now I remember it!
Any number of events could have happened to prevent us despite much planning, to see the sunset.  We could have run out of gas or had van trouble before getting there, but none of those events occurred.  Me running out of gas?  Yall I can't ever let that happen right Houston?  God allowed me the joy of seeing the most amazing FL Sunset on the last day of vacation.  We had attempted to view the sunset the night before, but could not because of a brushfire nearby.   We ended up playing games that night as a group, which is another one of my favorite things to do because it connects human beings and requires them to interact.   We laughed more that night because none of us tried to force an agenda, we chose to see a change in plans, as the chance to make another type of sunset moment, one much more figuratively than literal, and it was every bit as satisfying as seeing the actual sunset the following evening.  God knew I would savor the sunset more by sharing it with people I'd already made memories with and game night provided the means and platform
It is important to use our past moments those special sunset moments to motivate us in our less than exciting ventures and less than sunset like moments harder to find.    It is hard coming back from the beach to caregivers quitting or who have already quit while you are gone.    Plus limited conversation and ongoing uncertainty with chronic stomach problems which lead to other problems  Then my computer having to be restored this week and losing three years of my own prayer journals    Knowing God loves me enough to bless me with this trip, gives me hope for future, and gratitude for such a sweet gift! When was the last time you let yourself savor God's love and the love others have for you?