Coming Clean!

I am not sure if this post is for my readers or for me but I need to do this. I have struggling for weeks on and off with my relationship with God. I don't know if it is apathy or hardness or what? I desired so much that the trials God has allowed in our lives recently would draw ever closer to God, and there have been times when this has been the case! I just cannot figure out when it was that I became inconsistent? Was it when mom had surgery all the chores or was it the craziness of it all? Did it begin then? Is it the constant list of excuses or the endless questions that continue to linger in my head in recent weeks. Questions that would cause most reasonable people to wonder if I am a christian at all. OK so, I know that's a bit extreme, but you get the idea. One thing I know is things need to change, more than that, it has to change! The one thing God continues to impress upon me is a word that I posted more than a month ago. Prov. 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Do not rely on your own understanding. I am finding that the first step to learning to trust God and love God more is to admit my lack of trust. Before you pounce on me for typing that, I know that God is worthy of not just my trust, but my ongoing praise. He has carried my family ever step of the way, and for that I will give him praise!!!!!!!!! The truth is though, I am plagued with doubts and fears at times waiting for the other shoe to drop. Wondering why some get permanent healing, and then others only get healing for a little while. There are lots of others who don't get healing they long for until heaven, and then the hurting continues for their loved ones. You might wonder why I would be wrestling with these questions now, when all signs point to my mom's cancer being gone. I cannot give you an explanation, because I'm searching for one as well. There is a part of me that wonders, if God will somehow punish me or mom for my lack of belief that I've tried so hard to keep below the surface. I know no matter how messed up, I am, God is still God, and it's time to stop running from the truth, and run into the arms of Truth HIMSELF! Thank you for letting me write out loud!