The Blogger Herself

The Blogger Herself

Wednesday, June 02, 2010

Can you Handle the truth??? No more secret!

Image from Property of Travis Conttrell. Jesus Saves Live CD.

A friend of mine purchased this CD for me for my birthday, and to be honest, while I did expect to like it, I had no idea how much I'd love it! Let me preface this by saying I'm not a fan of all styles of worship music. I think it is great that there are all flavors of praise music that draw people to faith in Christ, but that does not mean that I connect with all of these, or prefer them. Of course, I love anything , but I'm not typically a fan of groups like passion, it's nothing personal. The CD above has made me ears happy, and lifts my soul upward. My favorite tracks include: Cindy Morgan's Praise the King, I Am Persuaded, Jesus is THE LORD, The hymn Victory In Jesus. Travis Cottrell is talented. and his music on this CD is passionate yet soothing. This is in fact one of my favorite things.

Now I'm switching gears here, and I'm about to put myself out there in a way that I have not previously done. Yesterday I had a scary episode. I was talking on the phone actually praying over the phone for a friend, when all the muscles in my body began to stiffen and become tight, and the next thing I knew my throat became tight, and I found myself barely able to speak, and more and more gasping for breath, know what you are thinking, Panic Attack right??? I'm telling you I've had those, and this isn't that. I was not upset or anything, I didn't have tingling in my body which I have with Panic attacks, and I had no other symptoms No racing thoughts... It has happened twice before, one when I was laughing hard and once when I was at a friend's house, again no stressful triggers I'm pretty sure it is something to do with CP, but it has happened so rarely, I have no clue what to make of it. I'm just so glad a friend saw it happen, or I would be afraid I'm going crazy. It has shaken me up ever since, after I prayed about it today, and felt better, but I can't seem to stop thinking about it.

Last week a volunteer at Choices asked me how I came to know the Lord, it was kind of random and caught me off guard. She is someone I greatly admire and respect, and she said that it occurred to her she had never asked me, and thought it might be from the Lord. She asked me if I minded sharing, and what was I going to see um no I refuse to share I came to know Jesus? It was a very public exchange, one I admit I was unprepared for. The truth is that this person had no way of knowing that it has taken me years to finally "nail down my Salvation, and there are times when the old doubts creep in. Let me stop right here, and let you know that if I died tonight, I know I belong to Jesus, and that I know He is preparing a place for me in heaven. I sat with a counselor one day in 2003, and, told her the story, which I've never told publicly until now. When I was 7 years old I remember bits and pieces of the gospel being shared at backyard bible school hosted by my church. I remember being upset afterward and one of the ministers at the time asking if I wanted to receive Jesus, I remember even at that young age, saying I'm not sure, I don't want my mom to be mad at me, why I would say that I don't know, or why I would think that I have not a clue. He asked if I wanted him to talk to her, and I said yes. That same night I remember my grandmother asking if he prayed with me, I can't recall what I told her, but mom always told my grandmother led me to the Lord, but the thing is I don't ever recall that, and I've never found the courage to ask her. I'm sure I probably did receive Jesus then, because I know the minsters at our church would have never allowed me to baptized otherwise, but still I found myself tormented by doubts that is until I was 13, and decided that I could not live one more day without being able to sing blessed assurance Jesus is mine, so alone in my room, I prayed something like this. Jesus I'm just not sure if I was ever saved at 7, I don't know what happened then, but I know that I'm a sinner, and that Jesus died for me, and I am asking and trusting you to forgive me, and I want my life to be fully yours. I would not trade anything that happened, because my doubts drove me to seek the Lord, and dig into his word to find him for myself. It was at that point my faith became my own. I never asked to be re baptized, because, I knew physically with my limitations and surgeries I could never do it. I didn't tell my family until a few years ago. My counselor assured me that what was important is not when I was saved, but that I AM SAVED. I have so many testimonies of God's grace and work in my life, and love to of God's grace in my life, but no part of my testimony is more difficult for me to share than that of my initial conversion. For most people there is a bee fore Christ and an after Christ, and I do know that when I was 13 I truly began abiding in Christ. I'm glad this fellow volunteer asked me even though it did cause some of my questions to rise to the surface again. I know how to share the Gospel, and have done so in large groups, but am totally scared to do so one on one, which is I have been reluctant to do in room advocacy at Choices, because I know there are times when sharing the Gospel is something I need to do. I am called to give reason for the hope I have, and I hope my life as my words have done that. Part of the reason, I have struggled with my identity in Christ is because of issues with eternal security. The truth is, this is one of a number of reasons this has been a struggle for me, but tonight I'm sharing this portion of testimony with you. God has seen me through so many things this is only the beginning, but tonight as a reminder to myself, and a testimony to you, I declare that with all my mistakes I belong to Jesus! When I shared on Thurs my conversion testimony was a minute and a half, but as you can see this has taken much longer, and my testimony is ongoing! Finally Jesus never meant for us to live in a state of long term doubt about salvation, so for others who may be prone to such doubts, I encourage you you to claim the promises of assurance in the bible, and do whatever it takes to nail down the matter in your heart.
Desiring the Higher things....