Can I be honest? I have been avoiding writing a post lately. As a writer, there are times when you don't want to write. You don't think you have anything anyone wants or needs to read. My writing is a lot like my prayer life sometimes. I don't want to pray about that thing. I don't want to take that question or questions to God which leaves a lump in my throat. I just want to sweep it under the pretty colorful rug in our living room.
I want to be that Christian who doesn't get angry when Comcast cable asks me the same question fifteen times expecting if they ask long enough my answer will differ from what it was thirty seconds ago. I want to be that Christian you know the one who's first thought is what does the Bible say about this, instead of chocolate can fix it I thought after losing our mom to cancer, everything else would be kept in perspective, and for the most part, I hope I have done that, but I had expectations of myself spiritually after the last almost five years. I thought my faith would grow. and while I have learned on a heart and soul level that God is good and compassionate, trust is not my immediate response to obstacles. I can "preach" grace with the best of them, but accepting, it resting in it myself has for me been tugging war for many years. I've been a bit silent on the blog for a while because I feel pressure or maybe it is pride wanting acceptance to impress or make my writing lighter for your reading. I know that is what many people want, and I truly get it. Life is hard enough, keep it simple. Keep it funny. It is coming,,but I need to ask you to give me grace for the journey I have been on for the last few years. I need time to let my soul catch up. Yes, I'm working on writing a book ever so slowly. Between working with the heavy cases of pregnancies unplanned. I find myself wanting to love well my 89-year old grandmother in her declining health. I owe her so much. I felt much the same way in the last year of my mom's life. Scared to stay by her side, but never wanting to do anything or be anywhere else if she wasn't. I don't want to have regrets wishing I had taken more time. So yes there have been many laughs during the unknowns. I've been challenged in my faith, invited to grow, built transparent and fun friendships. I have found people who want to know me, even before they discovered my last name. if my posts have had a sad tone over the last few years, it is probably because I have seen and experienced some sad. I haven't stopped loving or laughing. I haven't stopped praying or expecting to see God's glory. This week I studied the account of Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead in John 11. Before the miracle, this man's sisters told Jesus
Lord, if you had been here physically our brother, would not have died. They dd not grasp the fact that Jesus already knew what was going to happen, He knew what had already happened. Jesus knew the whole story... The sisters I believe thought as long Jesus was present, there would not be death or pain. As I reread the account last night the tears flowed even as I tried to suppress those. Unlike these sisters, I know Jesus is there, He was there, and He will be there. I also know that just because Jesus is with us, does not mean we won't see the pain of death, hurt, or abuse, because Jesus tasted all of it too. This does did not make the grief any less painful. What it does offer you and me is the comfort and love of Jesus in the pain. my own[ struggle has been since Jesus is with us I wonder why would God not choose to stop it? That is what faith really is, not avoiding questions, but believing God is great enough, to shine his glory and compassion in our pain. Jesus knew pain, so why would I think we would be exempt from it, if the Sinless Son of God, was subjected to suffering loss, and rejection Consider what question or hurt you fear inviting God into. and let go. It might not be once or twice and wax on wax off, kind of deal but together let us invite Jesus to be Lord and King over the pain. Many people believe it is wrong to ask God questions, I use to be one of those people, God does not forbid questions, nor should parents, but just as parents may allow questions, this does not mean all questions will be answered. God does not have to answer us, but that doesn't mean he does not allow us the freedom to ask Him. What funny serious or heartfelt, question would you desire to ask God if you believed you had the freedom to ask? Thanks for embracing the Sunsets even in the unanswered questions along the journey.
