The Blogger Herself

The Blogger Herself

Thursday, March 05, 2020

Is fear causing you to miss your Sunsets? Based on Ps. 34:4 and Romans 8

I remember being in a mainstream education class for the first time as a first-grader.  For those who may not be aware, that is what schools called it years ago when a student with any disability was seen as being able to interact in a classroom with children who do not have any type of visible disability.  Even being young, I often felt I needed to prove or earn a right to be there like any other kid, but to be honest, I wasn't sure I was smart enough or capable enough myself. though I would never admit my fear to anyone including myself. The more successful I was, the more I feared I would wake up one day to the reality that my success was null and void.   I loved to read but was often terrified to read out loud.  I still don't like to.  Math though I wasn't mainstreamed for math until 8th grade, and I was years behind.   If I wanted a real high school diploma though I had to pass the math testing.  It was a total nightmare. I even got the pre-algebra award for the most improved student for a semester.  People, I guess thought that was something to be proud of but I wasn't.  I was embarrassed and ashamed of my struggle., though by God's grace and some really amazing family members I passed the state testing.  I went to tutoring in high school every week, for a minimum of 3 hours on top of keeping up with the other homework, and trying to attend youth group on Wednesdays, because the Bible interested me more than anything I learned in school.  People thought I liked going to school because I only ever made one C on all report cards in 12 years before college.  I was happy and expressive, but school years were misery for me a lot of times.  It wasn't all bad though, I loved most of my teachers, and unlike some kids, I was never bullied or made fun of by peers.  I went to "good" schools.  Looking back, I regret I did not try out for the Middle School debate team.  I would have done well.  I can argue with a wall if I'm passionate and believe in something.    I had a fleeting thought of writing for the school newspaper, but my motto was to do something one hundred percent or don't do it all.   There is nothing wrong doing things well, in fact, I wish people gave their best more, but I am learning. doing your best does not always mean being the best at whatever it is.  Fear has kept m from doing a lot of good and positive experiences over the years, but the more I learn to embrace the grace of Jesus, the more I find the freedom to overcome the fear, instead of avoiding it or running from it.  Fear is something I think some of us almost battle from birth.  It is hard to break patterns of fear because we become enslaved most of the time because of temperament and/or trauma.  I am not writing this post, because I have mastered fear, in fact, it might surprise you to know, most mornings I have an inner battle with fear and dread.  It wears off by about noon most days, but it is one reason I don't like having conversations before nine-thirty in the morning because if I haven't read the Bible or prayed first, my mind will be hit with an overwhelming sense of dread, if I don't begin with thankfulness, and get my mindset right.     Someone once told me fear was a sin, and it only added to my shame and reinforced my fears.  I know this person meant well, but you cannot condemn or in a sense beat the fear out of someone, instead, you give the cure, you don't try to take the fear away, you combat it with the real truth one is loved and cared for so fear unfounded at least, is not necessary.  How do you embrace your own sunsets in the face of fear?  What has worked for you, and what has not?
Action Step- What are you refusing to do or feel because you are scared?  Identify the fear.   Ask someone you trust to tell you what they see.  A friend did this at the beach last year, and it helped me so much!