Love and Work

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Forgive my typing errors...

Most of my life I have LOVED writing, but recently the only thing writing evokes in me is fear.  It all began when I heard a few months ago, about short story writing contest.  I have never written any fiction work in my life, and somehow I thought it would be fun to try, but soon, it became what something new always seems to become to me, It became scholastic, and when I realized I would never meet the deadline of September 1, and that though I've read numerous books on how to get published and the hard work it takes , I just don't have a clue what I'm doing.  Then came the words that forever plaque me whenever I try something new.  "You know you are not smart enough or intellectual enough to do this.  "  "You know you aren't as smart as they are."  "You don't have it takes to compete in the world."  The truth is I can connect with people all day long, I can love people and encourage people, but when it comes to a task that involves a measurement of intellect I'm terrified. I can talk theology all day long, and rarely ever feel inferior, but put me in a classroom setting, or a board room and, whatever sense of confidence I had will disappear.    Then I found this on a website today.  It hit me today, the reason I'm so afraid....  Whenever anything I do becomes work it becomes heartbreak to me.  My experience has been that work='s to perform or prove myself.  I want to make a living one day, but I struggle with feeling that "work" will always be an enemy to me that will sap me of joy and purpose.  So for now, whether I make the deadline or not, the only thing I've come to is that I must focus on writing as a purpose and a calling and not a waste of time.  When you are so focused on how to do something, you often miss out on the joy of practicing something you once loved.  The same thing has continued with my Christian walk recently as well .The more I try to please God by reading, my Bible, Praying and serving, the more I find myself just going through the motions instead of truly loving the One who Loves me without limitation.  Obedience is Beautiful, but can it really be called Obedience if the motive behind it isn't love?            "And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength".'MK. 12:30It is found here
I'd love to hear you thoughts on any part of this post!