What change means?
For as
long as I can remember change has been hard for me. In my mind when I think of
the word change as bad, scary, uncertain and uncomfortable. Rarely if ever, do
I explore the concept of change with pleasure or excitement. Most of the time
the word change evokes in me, a complete lack of control. When something in my
life changes, I'm rarely ever consulted about it. Change has often resulted in loss – loss of
friendships, safety, loss of familiarity and more. Change can bring feelings of
inadequacy and inexperience. Embracing change sometimes requires looking
foolish, stupid, or ignorant. Change can bring added responsibility, which is
one of the biggest things that scare me. I'm rarely ever consulted about major
changes in my life. Most of them have taken place before I had any say at all.
Granted I'm not open to change very often, but when change happens to me it is
usually because someone or something has forced it on me. Sometimes I want to
explore change, but with change comes the likelihood of anxiety. For whatever
reason ever since I was little, all I wanted was to feel safe and secure, for
me that has always meant to avoid change whenever possible. Recently I read a
book called in a pit with the lion on a snowy day, which challenges readers to
realize that Christ calls believers to live lives of God ordained risk. When I try to think of changes being a good
thing, all these bad reminders stare back at me. Change equals stress.
People around me often make choices and changes that affect
me without my input or consent. It feels as though to make a major change in my
life, I need large writing on the wall. Ever since I read the book though
something deep inside of me wants some type of change. What I don't know is if
the change will be worth the sacrifice of security and safety. Change increases
the risk of failure. Change to me is like a one-sided coin, I can only see the
negatives that change brings about. Intellectually I know that change can
result in something good, and keeps life moving and exciting but both of those
things are most often contrary to my experience. I often think that my life
would be richer and fuller if I were more open to change. Even as I type this
though, the possibility of change makes tears well up in my eyes. However, for the first time, I fear missing God's plan for me
as much, or more than change itself. I'm
inexperienced when it comes to making changes, and there's a lot of
inconvenience that can be involved with making a change. If the change doesn't
work out, then it is wasted energy and time spent on nothing being
accomplished. I hate that change and I
have such a bad relationship with each other. Yet sometimes, it feels as
though, I am missing out on something bigger because of my desire for safety
and security.
It's funny but one of my favorite characteristics about God
in then he never changes. He never second guesses Himself. He always does what
he says he is going to. He never decides to be someone different. He is steady,
Unchanging Consistent, Sufficient, and Sure. Change often means, losing the
approval of those around you. I hear all the time that mistakes are not wasted
if you learned something from it, and I wish I believed that to be true. My
thoughts and ideas are often so black and white that it is hard to entertain
the notion of gray. It's hard for me to understand, why God would desire us to
embrace change, if that change results in something less than his ultimate
plan. Usually with change, no matter how much you plan there is sometimes no
way to predict the outcome of any change made. If something is a routine, then you
know the most likely outcome.
On the flip side though, what if by my unwillingness to
embrace change I miss something valuable.
What if because of my desire to feel safe, comfortable, and secure I'm
missing something bigger, better, or greater?
The
truth is, I don't even know what changes to explore, I mean how do I know
whether or not – God will be honored or that he will give me His blessing? Today
though God did remind me, there is nothing I can do to lose his favor or the
right standing I have with him through the blood of Christ! I did nothing to
earn or deserve his favor, and therefore my actions will not result in his
disapproval of me. He may not approve of the choices or decisions that I always
make, but that does not change my right standing with him! Even as I say that,
I still know that the next time someone important to me disapproves of me, I
will still find myself second-guessing whatever choice I make.I'm coming up on a painful anniversary, tomorrow but I also am reminded in that, I''m not the same person i was, and that in the last seven years, I have learned, grown and yes EVEN changed! Input welcome as always!
