The Blogger Herself

The Blogger Herself

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Letting Go and remembering who I AM!

As I sit here in my Newly made office trying to process the last few weeks.  It occurs to me it is nearly impossible to do without writing.  It is a challenge to know what and how much to share with you my bloggers.  After all most of you don't know me outside of blogland, and those who do, are either really close to me or only know bits and pieces of who I really am.  I have actually been "running" from my blog these past few weeks, because I have not really wanted to be a grown up.  I heard a christian radio program on Friday which said we can never be who God has called us to be, unless we are of all things willing to be transparent.
The truth is there are times I feel like I am just one giant stigma.  Here me out...  I'm not having a pity party here, at least I'm not attempting to.  My having CP brings a bit of a label all its own, and it is often hard  not to expand those labels and allow these labels to define who I am.  For example, there are things my physical limits prevent me from doing some things, like driving a car, dancing, walking, showering on my own)  I do bathe, you should know that lol.  What is hard about those limits isn't most often the physical challenges, isn't so much the limits themselves, but rather the emotional/spiritual side battle that rages within me.  Sometimes deep down I constantly battle trying to overcompensate for weakness.  For example, being dependent upon others at times makes  me feel incompetent as though I am inferior or lack good judgement.  I use to tell people, that my physical challenges didn't bother me, and ironically there was a time I believed that to be true.  I fight against shame.  I wonder sometimes isn't my fault?  I wonder sometimes why God would want me to be physically reliant on my family.  More than that though I wonder why in my 20's has the reality hit me all the sudden?  Why don't I deal with it, better?  I look at my mom and how she never seems sad over what she has had to deal with these past 2 years.  How she seems to just accept things as they are without even a tiny question lingering.  I am like Lord what's wrong with me?  I struggle to know what adulthood is suppose to like as physically challenged person.  How much is expected of me?  How much can I control?  What and how much should I expect of myself?  My doctor does believe I had a partial seizure a few weeks ago.  It sounds crazy, but part of me is glad, it was something out of my control.  I can't blame myself for this one.  I can blame myself for panic attacks or depressed moods, and to a degree I can even blame myself for failing to rise above CP, but I cannot possibly blame myself for a seizure.  The truth is though, God says None of these condemning words to me.  He does not evaluate me this way.  He says: You are mine. Romans 10:9,  You are qualified. Phil 4:13 You are my Masterpiece, Eph. 210 You are loved!  Eph. 1:3, You are free.  Gal. 5:1, You are victorious! Romans 8.  You are forgiven 1 John 1:9 These are only a taste of who I am because of Christ.  So as I was so sick the other night with a severe migraine and struggling with my new chair, God was not placing a damaged sign on me.  He was not declaring me useless, or weak.  He was bringing me to the place of letting go again.  Letting go of the shame, the self hate, the pride, the reminders of the sins of my past.  This is a struggle I have battled for so long, and will likely battle again, but my prayer is that my struggle will not be wasted, and in the final outcome by God's grace God will use my brokenness to draw others  to himself.  So tonight I lay my emotionally messed up self, my spiritually insufficient self and my physically challenged self upon the altar of the living God and plead for mercy.  Remembering that I'm yours.  Remembering what you did for me, and still do for me.  I remember it is not me, that has strength, but You in me!  In this moment I can sing!  My Chains are Gone!  We were never meant to operate in our flesh as Christians, and to be honest, in the last few weeks this what I've done.   The world will never see Jesus in me, until I'm out of the way, and I'll never be out of the way, as long as I'm wearing my mask, and relying on my flesh.

Desiring the Higher Things,


Dee said...

I appreciate you sharing your struggles T.J. It is hard to kill off the old self. Some of us do not die easy. But be assured it will happen. The Lord tells us life will not be easy this side of paradise but that he is in control and with us. I read a book by Joni Ericson Tada (not sure I have her name correct)) were she shares her stuggles with being paralized. It is very inspiring. Have a Happy !!!***fourth of July***!!!! Dee

Casey said...

T.J. - I am so incredibly encouraged by your post! Thank you for being so open. Your heartfelt words gave me goosebumps! I love what you said about God never placing a "damaged" sign on us...even at our worst. Can't wait to meet you, too!


Wendy said...

I can't even begin to understand how difficult this post was for you, but it was beautifully written. Thank you for sharing it.

May God bless you and let you be an inspiration to many around you. He always has a purpose!