The Blogger Herself

The Blogger Herself

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Change V.S. Me blog therapy and real


What change means?

                For as long as I can remember change has been hard for me. In my mind when I think of the word change as bad, scary, uncertain and uncomfortable. Rarely if ever, do I explore the concept of change with pleasure or excitement. Most of the time the word change evokes in me, a complete lack of control. When something in my life changes, I'm rarely ever consulted about it.   Change has often resulted in loss – loss of friendships, safety, loss of familiarity and more. Change can bring feelings of inadequacy and inexperience. Embracing change sometimes requires looking foolish, stupid, or ignorant. Change can bring added responsibility, which is one of the biggest things that scare me. I'm rarely ever consulted about major changes in my life. Most of them have taken place before I had any say at all. Granted I'm not open to change very often, but when change happens to me it is usually because someone or something has forced it on me. Sometimes I want to explore change, but with change comes the likelihood of anxiety. For whatever reason ever since I was little, all I wanted was to feel safe and secure, for me that has always meant to avoid change whenever possible. Recently I read a book called in a pit with the lion on a snowy day, which challenges readers to realize that Christ calls believers to live lives of God ordained risk.  When I try to think of changes being a good thing, all these bad reminders stare back at me. Change equals stress.
People around me often make choices and changes that affect me without my input or consent. It feels as though to make a major change in my life, I need large writing on the wall. Ever since I read the book though something deep inside of me wants some type of change. What I don't know is if the change will be worth the sacrifice of security and safety. Change increases the risk of failure. Change to me is like a one-sided coin, I can only see the negatives that change brings about. Intellectually I know that change can result in something good, and keeps life moving and exciting but both of those things are most often contrary to my experience. I often think that my life would be richer and fuller if I were more open to change. Even as I type this though, the possibility of change makes tears well up in my eyes. However, for  the first time, I fear missing God's plan for me as much, or more than change itself.  I'm inexperienced when it comes to making changes, and there's a lot of inconvenience that can be involved with making a change. If the change doesn't work out, then it is wasted energy and time spent on nothing being accomplished.  I hate that change and I have such a bad relationship with each other. Yet sometimes, it feels as though, I am missing out on something bigger because of my desire for safety and security.

It's funny but one of my favorite characteristics about God in then he never changes. He never second guesses Himself. He always does what he says he is going to. He never decides to be someone different. He is steady, Unchanging Consistent, Sufficient, and Sure. Change often means, losing the approval of those around you. I hear all the time that mistakes are not wasted if you learned something from it, and I wish I believed that to be true. My thoughts and ideas are often so black and white that it is hard to entertain the notion of gray. It's hard for me to understand, why God would desire us to embrace change, if that change results in something less than his ultimate plan. Usually with change, no matter how much you plan there is sometimes no way to predict the outcome of any change made. If something is a routine, then you know the most likely outcome. 

On the flip side though, what if by my unwillingness to embrace change I miss something valuable.  What if because of my desire to feel safe, comfortable, and secure I'm missing something bigger, better, or greater?
                The truth is, I don't even know what changes to explore, I mean how do I know whether or not – God will be honored or that he will give me His blessing? Today though God did remind me, there is nothing I can do to lose his favor or the right standing I have with him through the blood of Christ! I did nothing to earn or deserve his favor, and therefore my actions will not result in his disapproval of me. He may not approve of the choices or decisions that I always make, but that does not change my right standing with him! Even as I say that, I still know that the next time someone important to me disapproves of me, I will still find myself second-guessing whatever choice I make.I'm coming up on a painful anniversary, tomorrow but I also am reminded in that, I''m not the same person i was, and that in the last seven years, I have learned, grown and yes EVEN changed!  Input welcome as   always!

3 comments:

Jenn said...

wow tj..this really convicted me to... what an awesome writer you are.. i am dying to talk to you. sorry i have been awol... bit crazy.. i am going to call you 2nite.. i cannot wait to get an update. i love you sis

Wendy said...

I've started a Bible study at church and this ties right into it. We're studying Jonah. I've always had a difficult time with change until I started looking at change as divine interruption. Change isn't always going to be easy, but it is for a purpose. I believe every experience we go through, good and bad, can be used to glorify Him. Don't be afraid to make the wrong decision. Jonah sure did! God used Jonah's mistake of disobedience to show His love and mercy. It is a story that has stood the test of time. The Lord can use you as well! Study His word and keep praying.

Molly said...

Man, sounds like you are wrestling with some hard stuff. Can't wait to see and hear and read what comes of all this questioning and uncertainty. It's never fun to be right in the thick of a major life lesson - but once you're on the other side (you know) there's peace and joy to look forward to!! I'm thankful that you're leaning on God for understanding. He's a sure bet.