The Blogger Herself

The Blogger Herself

Thursday, February 01, 2018

Finding Your Sunset in Broken Dreams

One night as a teenager I remember saying to God, you know I'm not going to have my own family so can you just take away that longing now?  It didn't go away in an instant, but I quickly learned that while my friends were pouring themselves into sports. or dating, neither of which were likely for me. School and grades were my tickets to glory.  In my own sick and twisted way, it was where I obtained praise and acceptance.  I never felt smart no matter how many A'S I got on my report cards.  I knew I was always one bad grade away before my whole identity would be obliterated.   I remember saying to someone at school, if I don't have my school performance, then I really didn't have a lot going for me because it wasn't like I was going to have much else to offer the world.  It sounds tragic, but I believed it.  In September of 2004 my identity crumbled, I caved and didn't survive my transition to a 4-year college, and buckled under the weight of my own unrealistic expectations, and one college advisor bound to prove I didn't have what it took to see it through Combined with a VR Counselor who told me if I could not keep a full class load, I'd have little to no chance of pursuing a job in journalism.  All of this resulted in my dropping out of college, as I spiraled into my first episode of major depression three weeks into the semester.  The only thing in life I ever quit, I think.

What does all this have to do with why I'm writing this post?  Our culture is drawn to the idea of dreams.  Movies, songs, motivational speakers, many people talk about what it means to have dreams and goals in life.  Dreaming is something I trained myself long ago was a waste of my time and energy,   Dreams go unfulfilled, get shattered get ignored.  One of my favorite life stories in the Bible is the story of Joesph in the Old Testament.  He had a prophetic dream that He would play a big role in Egypt, and his brothers would be bowing down to him.  Little did he know this dream would cause him much heartache and turmoil, and cause great pain to his family.    If you know his story you know in Genesis he is solid into Slavery by his brothers, because they resented the favoritism Joesph's father showed him.  Then, though he was a man of honor, he found himself falsely imprisoned for rape.  This would be the point of the story which most of would probably become discouraged and embittered but Joesph through God's power's made the best of the hand he was dealt. When most of us may have said Lord, I've been too hurt by relationships.  I bet many of us would say on the inside, but Lord this person deceived me, you deceived me you showed me this dream, but nothing looks like the dream.  I  was talking to a friend last week, when she expressed that she was hurt that God kept bringing dishonest men into her life, and how they've hurt her numerous times.  I gently reminded her she was blaming God for something He himself was not doing to her, but He could use her experience to strengthen her faith in Him if she was willing.
I cannot help but wonder if  Joesph held tightly to the dream he had so many years before all the injustice he endured.  As he had been forgotten by those he advocated for.  One thing I know, Joseph trusted God's plan and sovereignty, even when it appears life treated him unjustly.  The bible states God was with Joesph, and he prospered.  This biblical version of a Lifetime movie as I call it, would not be what I'd call prospering, but this is why God is God, and I'm not.  In my sinfulness, I often want the easy path.  The one where everyone is happy and there is no confusion, sorrow, or broken dreams.  Ironically, however, it is often those broken dreams God uses most to bring his healing restoration into our lives.    Joesph's dream, in this case, was actually a vision of future events in his own life.  It didn't happen as quickly or as easily as Joseph might have wanted or even envisioned.  God still fulfilled the dream and showed his greatness.  20 As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today." Genesis 50:20. 
I rarely talk even with those closest to me, about my desire to be a wife, and a mom, mostly because I know with my physical condition it isn't possible, as I cannot care for myself, much less a family of my own.  As this thought crossed my mind at almost 35 years of age, I praise God who has granted my dream of having my own family in a different way.  Every week at Choices I have the joy of equipping people in many cases to build their own family legacy.  I have the joy of pouring love into and making memories with the children in our family.  I get to impart encouragement, to moms who may feel there is no one out there cheering them on.  Now I am able to tell kids every month God loves them, and they are important to him and his plan.  That I imagine is the greatest joy parents can have.  God can take even a broken dreamer and fulfill a dream far better dream than the broken one she spent years running away from.  Do you have broken dreams?  Would you invite God to enter your broken dreams, and restore them?  Does this resonate with you?  

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