The Blogger Herself

The Blogger Herself

Friday, August 13, 2010

Wandering Blog-LOVE AIN'T EASY!

Hi Bloggers.

      As I'm sure you've noticed this blog has been a bit here there, and everywhere lately.  Try as I might to reign this writer in, I just can't seem to gain focus or develop a big picture.  I am well aware that this is because lately I've been "feeling" like there are few things I'm doing well, I know when I'm going down a road like this it is a slipery slope for me.   In the past few weeks, I've become almost so performance driven that even the "work" I enjoy doing has seem more like a chore to me.  I know that at the root of what is bothering me is a broken relationship with someone I love very much, and yet it is such a struggle for me to love this person most days, I have never in my life bent over backwards for someone, as I have this person  and when this person walks into the room silence between us is unbearable, and I'm utterly helpless in fixing the situation.  The anger that rises between us is volcanic, and somehow years of that unspoken resentment, has led to uncomfortable and awkward silence.  I have prayed countless prayers, sought endless counsel, and cried an ocean of tears, and this week a simple trivial issue, once again left me with hurt feelings and a rage that took me 48 hours to settle.  I CRAVE this person's love so bad, it is like a child waiting for affirmation from a parent.I know no matter what has happened this is an unfair burden to expect from this person  I went through similar craving for my dad, and seemed to be longing for the same in this situation, but the rejection hurts much more, because it is so direct and seems purposefully targeted. This person is not bad, and at the end of the day, if they called and said they needed me, I would drop everything, yeah I know it is kind of unhealthy   Anyway I learned this week that I tend to keep a mental record of the wrongs done to me by this person, or the wrongs I've done to this person.Ironic because I don't hold grudges with most people  So as I read the Love Chapter in the Bible this week, I asked God to take away my scoreboard, and while I'm a long way from restoration, I found freedom in this baby step.  I realize my blog was meant all along to reflect a devotional format, but I must go through the lesson, and work through it before it can be counted as a lesson learned.  Learn from my mistakes...  "Love is not easily angered, it keeps NO RECORD OF WRONGS." 1 Cor. 13:5

5 comments:

Kelli said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kelli said...

So true, TJ, and thanks for the reminder. I have a couple of those relationships in my life right now. I am so thankful that that the Lord uses these hard relationships to stretch and grow us. Hang in there, girl!

Dee said...

TJ. I have been in a similar situation in my past and felt the same way you do about a particular person and I found that was what was keeping me in such a contradictory and painful turmoil over the person was that I did not have a true closure to the relationship. No last parting words of how I felt. I do not know if this is something you may be daealing with.It eventually subsided after a few years and lots of prayer. I also wrote out several times on paper my true feelings of anger and hurt towards them and then I prayed over it and tore it up. I also wrote my feelings of how much I care for them and admire them and how much they mean to me but that I have to let them go. I also prayed over the letter and then tore it up. When I see this person today...because of forgiveness and closure I am able to not feel any past hurt or anger...AND I do not seek a NEW relationship. I am polite and kind and make the visit short. If old feelings want to creep in I rebuke them.

Dee said...

Me again...sorry about the typo errors...I need new glasses. LOL.

Molly said...

Thanks for your transparency, TJ. I'm sad to know that a relationship is causing you such hurt but so happy to know you are finding strength and taking baby steps by leaning on scripture.