The Blogger Herself

The Blogger Herself

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Freedom in failure?

I admit I'm beginning to wonder if there a readership for this blog.  The truth is no one likes to feel as if they are writing solely to and for themselves.   That was never the reason for this blog.  The truth is in many area of my life right now I feel uninspired.  Several months ago, before mom's latest battle with cancer I had a whole list of topics to cover on this blog, and now it seems I'm grasping at straws.  I'm ready for a change in life, and yet I cannot seem to pinpoint the kind of change I'm seeking.  I have always hated change, because of the chaos it involves.  I hate messy, and I love routine, but lately it feels as though my safe routine is closing in on me.Usually if God wants me to move, in life  or make a change in direction, He pretty much has to shake me to the point of misery to get me to leave a phase of my life beyond.  I keep considering How will I know Lord, when you want me to move? but all I hear is silence.  I often stay where I am, because it is safe, and I don't have to be tempted by fear, because most the time I'm pretty comfortable.  I'm not a dare devil by nature, all my life up to this post, has been driven by a desire for security.  Today, my devotion was about asking God to forgive you for all the ways you are motivated by fear, and in all honesty it confused the heck out of me.  Why?  Well let me put it this way, there are times I feel and think my fears are justified.  Sure Jesus said don't be fearful 365 times, but I never thought it was sinful to be afraid, and if it is well, I've sinned a whole lot more than I ever knew.
In realty though most of my fears are motivated by two key factors.  Pride and distrust.  For example, I have been invited by two well known ladies Bible study groups here in town to participate in their bibles studies, one of which, I was prepared to go to, and then with mom's diagnosis, it needed to be postponed.  Now I'm having reservations about being involved in the future, and It has made me timid about reading the bible.  I fear that I'm not intellectuality smart enough to keep or complete the task.  Every since I was little I never wanted to try things that I was not sure I could excel.  Looking back, in middle school I wish I had gotten involved with debate time in middle school, but I had no assurance that I could excel at debate and my school work, so I never inquired about debate or the school newspaper.  I can't help, but  wonder if God is not giving me another chance here, and if somehow he would not just as honored through our attempting something, and perhaps even failing at something, if means teaching us something.      I guess I have more things to sort through, before I seek the answers to some of these questions.  I usually try to some closure by the end of my post, but instead, I'll leave this question.  What is more important to God, the journey or the success?


Beth.. One Blessed Nana said...

it's about the journey my friend. God just wants our hearts to seek Him! We will never understand all there is to understand about the mysteries of God's word, but He will reveal to us what He desires and what we are ready for! Keep blogging and keep digging into the amazing WORD of God! There are treasures to find and you are such a smart and gifted young woman who has touched my life immeasurably!!!

Dee said...

Hi, I am finally dipping my big toe back into blog land. As I read your post it feels like you are writing about me. I am in a very fearful and strange place in my life and I do not like it,t hey..I am still alive.After being away from my blog I realize how good it has been for me. I was going to write on it the past few days but my mind is very tired and sluggish. I am going to try to post something Monday or Tuesday.I encourage you to go to that Bible study. I was a member of one and it enriched my life greatly. I almost did not join because everyone in it was a teacher or nurse and I felt like you that I was not intellectually smart enough.After the first few weeks I realized the devil was making me feel that way and I felt victorious over him. In answer to your question..I think both are. He wants us to be successful and to learn and mature on the journey. I do not think you can have one with out the other. Hang in my blogger buddy...things will get better. Dee

Jennifer said...

You are my hero.. amazing friend.. amazing. pretty much everything you touch blesses people.. blesses me.. so I am praying for you and this fear thing... girl I am proud of you for being so open and honest and just wanting to remind you of how proud i am of you in general. you are such an example to me of living alive and living free in Christ. I am so proudof you.. can we have jenn tj time this ya

Victoria said...

Lately I've been feeling the same way. It seems no one is reading my blog either, so I haven't written much; and I'm scared of my future. I'm a teen as you know and I'm a little scared to "grow up." Driving, getting a job, preparing for college, going to college... I wish I could aviod all of them. I don't like change either and I tend not to try things I'm not good at, like you've said. But God is bigger then our fears, He holds our future and He is a God who never changes.
God bless my friend,

cudylant said...

I'm glad you are blogging! Thanks for sharing your strength! I look forward to more of your posts!